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Joke of the day – I’m a Panda

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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda – a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.’

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Dogs & Cats – Diary

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Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary

Day number 180
8:00 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm – Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!

Day number 181
8:00 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm – Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!

Day number 182
8:00 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
1:30 pm – ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm – Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
 
Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

Day 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair … must try this on their bed.

Day 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time …