If I can stop one heart
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.”
– Emily Dickinson
“Faith is seeing light
with your heart
when all your eyes
see is darkness.”
My dearest Dad,
It was not my intention to write this on your birthday with such a heavy heart. You know I’ve always been real and brutally honest about the matters of the heart. And I know I had to write this to heal my wounded heart.
Two days ago, I was blamed, criticized and humiliated with a whole load of nonsense and distorted facts. And this happened over an email I had written which was not even addressed to her but to her significant other. You know who I’m referring to, Dad. I don’t need to mention her name here. Aren’t you glad she doesn’t carry your surname? She thinks that she can just overstep and attack me sarcastically and vindictively about issues in the family that she had no first hand knowledge.
With the recent email and the limited knowledge she had gathered over the decade, she boldly exudes authority to point her finger at me. She hit me below the belt. And further sent what seemed like an endless text message with false accusations and derogatory remarks about me and my personal life. She made me look like an outcast, a good for nothing sibling to her other half. Yes, I messed up, Dad. I’ve made some really bad choices. But, I’m not afraid to acknowledge them and be vulnerable about it.
I know that you too had been in such a situation once too often, Dad. We have both been misunderstood by our good intentions, sacrifices and sincerity. But we know who we are, Dad, and it doesn’t matter what others think about us.
Just like you, there’s no need to explain or to defend myself. Everything she said was in fact a reflection of her own failings and insecurities. My heart is clear and at peace. I’ve always been myself and I’ve done my best within my means for the family.
So I just gave her a short reply and said she’s entitled to her own views and opinions. I then left the conversation. I have no time for her drama and her twisted facts.
But you know what hurt me the most, Dad. It was when she said I have been a selfish sister and that I never give back. And what I had written brought no comfort but only burden. She said I don’t even know how to take care of my own mother. It was uncalled for cos she was in no position to comment on behalf of my brother.
She shamelessly put herself on the pedestal and said Mom once told her she is a blessing to the family and she was the one who brought the family together. Ha!
Perhaps she should answer the following questions* before she lash out at me:-
*Who was the one who helped care for Dad after his brain injury which left him half paralyzed due to the delay on the surgery? And I was only 15 then.
*Who was the one who helped Dad get to the bathroom to have his bath? It was not an easy task cos we do not have an attached bathroom and neither did we have a wheelchair then.
*Who was the one who traveled home every Friday evening by bus from KL to Raub, so I could help take care of Dad and do the house cleaning and rushed back to KL on Sunday evening? I was in college then and later started working but I still do that until Mom and Dad moved to KL.
*Who was the one who rented a house in USJ from 1994 – 2001 for Mom and Dad? Who took care of them during this period?
*Who was the one who took leave from work to send Mom and Dad for all their hospital appointments ?
*Who was the one who took care of mom when she had Bell’s Palsy?
*Who was the one who sent her to the hospital every morning for facial therapy until she got better?
*Who was the one who helped care for Dad when he was diagnosed with throat cancer in August 2000? And he was given only six months to live. (No one knew those days when I cried in the car while driving home from work cos I don’t want Dad to see me looking sad)
*Who was the one who sent Dad to the prayer and healing meeting every Tuesday night cos Mom wanted to bring him there?
*Who was the one who was there to hold Dad until he drew his last breath?
I know you appreciate all that I had done for you, Dad and it doesn’t matter now if everyone else choose to forget.
Life is too short to dwell on someone who is so toxic. I want to be surrounded by those who uplift my spirit and gives me peace.
And as I ponder on this incident, I realized that your love for me was unconditional and pure. Thank you, Dad for seeing the real me and loving me for who I am, not for who you want me to be.
I’m okay, Dad. I shall move on, reinvent myself and just be happy.
Happy 90th birthday in heaven, Dad! Cheers! 🥂
❤️All my love, Pat ❤️🌈
Rejoice the new journey
Fill with new purpose &
Never look back. it’s a
lesson learnt for the new
Embrace each moments
That we are still living,
breathing & our heart
beats succumb with love
With the joy of living..
With wanting to explore
and desire to live and
share with our loved ones
always. – Aziz Gattoufi