Duck jokes

January 7, 2013 | Newbloggycat

Help Me Doc!
So this guy walks into the doctor’s office with this big white duck on his head.
The doctor looks up and says, “Yes, sir, can I help you?”
And the duck says,
“Yeah, can you get this guy off my butt?”

A duck goes into a furniture store and says ‘got any duck food?’
The guy at the counter says, ‘sorry, we don’t sell duck food’.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. ‘Got any duck food?’
‘Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. ‘
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, ‘got any duck food?’
The guy says ‘No! we don’t sell duck food! and if you come in here again I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor!’
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. ‘Got any nails? ‘
The guy says ‘what?… no’.
‘…got any duck food?’

Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the duck’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the duck. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Joke of the day – I never go to church

January 5, 2013 | Newbloggycat

I never go to church,” boasted a wandering member. “Perhaps you have noticed that pastor?”

“Yes, I have noticed that,” said the pastor.

“Well, the reason I don’t go is because there are so many hypocrites there.”

“Oh, don’t let that keep you away,” replied the pastor with a smile. “There’s always room for one more.”

Joke of the day – The Ugly Duckling

December 27, 2012 | Newbloggycat

The Ugly Duckling

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on… very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

Joke of the day – Doctor’s prescription

December 18, 2012 | Newbloggycat

After giving a woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out. “Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water.”

“Exactly what is my problem, Doctor?” the woman asked.

“You’re not drinking enough water.”

Joke of the day – Clever Parrot

December 16, 2012 | Newbloggycat

A woman trained her parrot to give instructions to tradesman who called at her house.

One day the coalman came with a delivery. “Ten sacks please,” said the parrot. “You’re a clever bird being able to talk,” said the coalman as he finished the delivery.

“Yes,” replied the parrot. “And I can count too. Bring the other sack.”