A group of people were having a party at the local pub. Suddenly, someone yelled “All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
“Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food?”
Boy to father: “This my report card Dad and here is one of yours I found in the attic.”
First sailor: “A big crab just bit off one of my toes.”
Second sailor: “Really? Which one?”
First sailor: “How do I know? All crabs look alike.”
Young man to his boss: “Mr Smith, my mother told me to ask you for a raise.”
Mr Smith: “Okay, I’ll ask my mother if I may give it to you.”
“Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shihtzu.”
A little boy asked his grandma how old she was.
“39 and holding,” she replied.
“Well, then, how old would you be if you let go?”
“When I went to Starbucks for coffee they lied. It wasn’t Starbucks, it was four bucks!”
The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot. The young man jumped out and said, “Sorry Pops, but you’ve got to be young and smart to do that.”
The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap. “Sorry son, you’ve got to be old and rich to do that!”