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Joke of the day – Work smart

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Always give 100% at work:

12% Monday,
23% Tuesday,
40% Wednesday,
20% Thursday,
5% Friday

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Joke of the day – House cleaning

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Tim: Boss, we’re doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.

Boss: We’re short-handed, Tim. I can’t give you the day off.

Tim: Thanks, boss. I knew I could count on you!.

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Joke of the day – Job evaluation

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Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments:

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

COMPETENT: Still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

HAPPY: Overpaid.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

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Joke of the day – Job interview

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A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.” The second was a social worker. She said, “I don’t know the answer but I’m glad we had time to discuss this important question.” The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?” The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?” He got the job.

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Joke of the day – Days off work

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Bert urgently needed a few days off work, but he knew the Boss would not allow him to take leave. He thought that maybe if he acted “CRAZY” then he would tell him to take a few days off.

So he hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. His co-worker, Bonnie asked him what he was doing? He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think he’s “CRAZY” and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked “What are you doing?” Bert told him he was a light bulb. He said “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days”.

He jumped down and walked out of the office. When Bonnie followed him, the Boss asked, “And, where do you think you’re going?”

She replied, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark!”

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Joke of the day – Late for work

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Jim, who always show up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

“What happened to you?” his boss asks.

“I fell down two flights of stairs,” Jim answers.

“That took you a whole hour?”