Dear Monday, I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry, it’s not me — it’s you!
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Diner: You call this creamed lobster your special? I can find neither cream or lobster in it.
Waiter: Yes sir. That’s what makes it special.
Bernie and his mates were out at the local pub for a drink.
They were discussing Christmas and exchanging their individual experiences of the festive occasion.
Then the conversation moved along to Christmas gifts and what they are giving to their nearest and dearest. Soon it was Bernie’s turn.
“What did you get for Christmas, Bernie?”
“I bought myself one of those I-phones” he replied. “They’re brilliant. You can do internet and movies and photographs and just about anything.”
“Then for my daughter I bought an I-pad. They’re better than books you know”.
“…..and I got my son an I-pod for his music.”
“What did you get for your wife then Bernie? asked his best mate. “Something special?”
“Well, I got her one of those Irons.”
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,“What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense”, said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened.”
Have you heard about the new shampoo for men who are going bald…
It’s called “What’s the Point?”
A lady fainted and the husband calls 911.
The operator asks, “Where are you at”?
The husband replies, “I’m on Eucolipstic Road.”
The operator asks, “Can you spell that for me?”
“Well… I’ll just drag her over to Oak so you can pick her up there?”
A dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” and the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”