An overweight lady had an enormous steak on her plate. Her husband took one look at it and said, ‘Surely you are not going to eat that alone?”
“Of course not. I’ve just ordered some potatoes.”
A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady’s cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, “If this new vacuum doesn’t pick up every bit of dirt then I’ll eat all the dirt.”
The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, “Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?”
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a light pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back. “Step aside, lady,” he barked. “I’ve taken a course in first aid.”
The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder. “Pardon me,” she said. “But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.”
Lady: Pastor, I must confess that I just can’t resist the temptation to sit in front of my mirror two to three hours every day admiring my beauty. I think I need to confess this sin of pride.
Pastor (after looking at the lady): Well, it’s not the sin of pride you need to confess. It is the sin of imagination.
An elderly lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $100 bill in it. Now there are 100, $1 bills.” The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”