A woman offered a brand-new Porsche for sale for a price of $10.
A man answered the ad, but he was slightly incredulous.
“What’s the gimmick?” he inquired.
“No gimmick” the woman replied.
“My husband died and in his will he asked that the car be sold
and the money go to his secretary.”
Husband: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?”
Wife: “I clean the toilet.”
Husband: “How does that help?”
Wife: “I use your toothbrush.”
A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.
“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”
“Um, no,” mumbled the director.
“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”
“I … I … I had no idea.”
“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
An overweight lady had an enormous steak on her plate. Her husband took one look at it and said, ‘Surely you are not going to eat that alone?”
“Of course not. I’ve just ordered some potatoes.”
Two husbands leaning on the bar.
“Did you give your wife a lecture on economy like I told you?”
“Yes, I certainly did.”
“And what was the result?”
“I’ve got to give up smoking.”
In seeking a model husband, it’s wise to be sure he’s a working model.
Mrs Smith: What does your husband do for a hobby?
Mrs Jones: He’s a do-it-yourself taxidermist.
Mrs Smith: A do-it-yourself taxidermist?
Mrs Jones: Yes, every night at dinner he stuffs himself.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
“Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
“Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.”
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
“Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 