A woman brought her two cats to the veterinary clinic for their annual checkup.
One was a small framed, round tiger striped tabby, while the other was a long, shiny black cat.
She watched closely as the vet put each cat on the scale.
Vet: “They weigh about the same.”
Woman: “Well…that proves it. Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat.”
A woman offered a brand-new Porsche for sale for a price of $10.
A man answered the ad, but he was slightly incredulous.
“What’s the gimmick?” he inquired.
“No gimmick” the woman replied.
“My husband died and in his will he asked that the car be sold
and the money go to his secretary.”
A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”
Rookie: How did you become such a successful door-to-door salesman?
Salesman: It’s all because of the first five words I utter when a woman opens the door. “Miss, is your mother in?”
A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady’s cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, “If this new vacuum doesn’t pick up every bit of dirt then I’ll eat all the dirt.”
The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, “Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?”
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a light pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back. “Step aside, lady,” he barked. “I’ve taken a course in first aid.”
The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder. “Pardon me,” she said. “But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.”
Randy the dishwasher repairman was given specific instructions concerning the woman’s two pets. “The Rottweiler won’t hurt you, even though it looks fierce, but whatever you do, don’t talk to the parrot.”
Randy let himself in and set to work, and the dog just lay quietly on the carpet. But the parrot mocked him mercilessly the whole time.
“Wow, you’re pretty fat,” the bird would say. “Hey, fatso, you couldn’t change the batteries in a flashlight, let alone fix a dishwasher.”
Before long, Randy had had enough. “You know, bird, you think you’re pretty smart for someone with a brain the size of a pea.”
The parrot was silent for a moment, and then, with a gleam in its eye, said, “All right. Get him, Spike.”
– Terry Boas
How come married women are heavier than single women?
A single woman goes home, sees what’s in the fridge and goes to bed.
A married woman sees what’s in bed and goes to the fridge.
My friend was stocking the shelves in a shop where he worked when a woman with a distinctive Italian accent asked him, “Please, sir. Where can I find a water go spaghetti stop?”
Puzzled, my friend paid close attention as she repeated her request, this time adding hand gestures. Then it dawned on him what she wanted. He led her to another aisle and found a “water go, spaghetti stop” – a colander.
There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. “What’s wrong with her?” asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said “When you get home, make sure your wife’s back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results”.
That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. “What’s for dinner?” the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again “What’s for dinner?” His wife spins around a bit agitated and says “For the third time, Fried Chicken!!”