A young lawyer died and was brought to heaven. Upon arriving the lawyer started protesting that it’s way to early for him to die, for he was only 32 years old, and there must be some mistake. The listening angel agreed that perhaps it was a mistake and agreed to look into it. After a few minutes the angel came back and said “I’m sorry sir but I am afraid there is no mistake, we calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96.”
Joe’s grandfather left him five million dollars, and the next week Jane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Joe noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more.
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
“Jane,” he said, “was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me five million dollars when he died?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!”
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy.
TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay.(He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TEACHER: That’s my point. We can’t see God because he isn’t there! He doesn’t exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
LITTLE GIRL: Then based on what we were taught today, she does not have one!
We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered, “What if God decided to install voice mail?” Imagine praying and hearing this…
Thank you for calling My Father’s House.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries
What if God used the familiar excuse, “All the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. You call will be answered in the order it was received.
Can you imagine getting these kinds of response as you call on God in prayer?
If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 1 now
If you would like to speak to Michael, press 2 now
For a directory of other angels, press 3 now
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you’re holding,
press 4 now
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, enter his or her social security number now.
For reservations at My Father’s House, press the letters J-O-H-N and then 3-1-6.
For answers on nagging questions about the age of earth and where Noah’s Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday after 9:00 a.m.
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. “I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job — a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”
“Poof!” said the genie. “You’re a housewife.”
The Ugly Duckling
Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on… very tall, dark hair, and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”