“Pour me a double whisky. I’ve just had an argument with my wife.” Sam tells Charlie the bartender.
“Oh, yeah?” says Charlie. “Who won?”
“Put it like this,” says Sam. “When it was all said and done, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really?” says Charlie. “What did she say?”
“Come out of the bed you snivelling coward.”
A writer died and St. Peter offered her the option of going to heaven or hell. To help decide, she asked for a tour of each destination. St. Peter agreed and decided to take her to hell first.
As she descended into the fiery pits, the writer saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes by demons. “Oh, my,” the writer said, “let me see heaven.”
A few moments later, as they ascended into heaven, the writer saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes by demons. “Hey,” the writer said, “this is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh, no it’s not,” St. Peter replied. “Here, your work gets published.”
A rabbit went to an employment agency to find work. Astonished, the man behind the desk searched through his files and found the perfect position.
“There’s a vacancy for a talking rabbit at the local circus,” said the man.
“What’s good about that?” replied the rabbit. “I’m a qualified plumber.”
Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, “Stop, If you take one more step you will be killed!” The woman stopped, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.
A minute or two after that, she was getting ready to cross the street when same voice bellowed. “Halt! Don’t cross the street now!” An out-of-control beer truck soon careened around the corner and didn’t even slow down as it ran the red light.
Shaken, the woman asked out loud, “Who are you?”
“I’m your guardian angel, the voice replied. “I imagine you have some questions for me.”
“You bet I do,” the woman said. “Where were you on my wedding day?”
Harry and Sam were travelling together when their car broke down in the country. They approached the farmhouse and were well received by Widow Mary who fed them and put them up for the night.
It was about nine months later when Harry rang Sam. “Remember the night the car broke down out in the country?” he asked. “You didn’t by any chance slip into the widow’s bedroom did you?”
Sam admitted he did. “And you didn’t by any chance use my name did you?”
Sam admitted he did, and said he was sorry.
“Don’t worry about it, Sam,” said Harry. “I’ve just got a letter from a legal firm that says she has died and left me the farm.”
NEWSPAPERS are still credible, provided you read between the LIES.
You should never tell a journalist what you don’t want to read in the papers.
“I’ve got the biggest sheep farm in the state,” a farmer boasted to his neighbor.
“Oh yeah? How many sheep do you have?”
“I don’t know. Every time I try to count the sheep, I fall asleep.”
What should you say when you meet a ghost?
How do you boo, Sir, how do you boo!
When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams!
What did mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on!
Who speaks at the ghosts’ press conference?
The spooksperson!
What is the ghost’s favorite dessert?
Boo-Berry pie with I-scream!
An elephant escaped from a circus and no trace had been found until a lady who had never seen an elephant before rang the police. She was panic-stricken.
“There’s a weird monster in my back yard,” she said. “It is pulling up the cabbages with its tail. But what is worse…I cannot describe what it is doing with them!”
On which day do monsters eat people?
Chewsday.
Why did the monster eat the lightbulb?
He wanted some light refreshment.
What’s a good job for a young monster?
Chop assistant.
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 