Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:
…”Everyone stand back, I think I lost my contact lens.”
…”Someone call the janitor, we’re going to need a mop and a bucket.”
…”Sterile, schmerile; at lest the operating-room floor is clean.”
…”Hey, that’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?”
…”Nurse, did this patient sign the organ-donor card?”
During a drill camp, a sergeant ordered two young female recruits to paint a room, in the barracks, stressing that they must not get any paint on their uniforms.
Doubtful that they could avoid this, the women locked the door and stripped naked to paint. When they heard a knock at the door, one asked, “Who is it?”
“Blind man,” came the reply.
Seeing no harm in letting a blind man enter, they opened the door. “Wow, what knockouts!” the delighted man said. “Now, where do you want these blinds?”
Three buddies died and went to heaven. Each night, they received tuna fish for dinner. After discussing the situation, they decided to confront God about it.
“Lord, “ one began, “why do we always have tuna for dinner?” We look down and see Satan feeding his minions shrimp, lobsters and steak. Can’t we eat something else?”
God thought for a moment. “You do have a point,” He said, “But it seems like so much trouble to cook just for three.”
Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, “Stop, If you take one more step you will be killed!” The woman stopped, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.
A minute or two after that, she was getting ready to cross the street when same voice bellowed. “Halt! Don’t cross the street now!” An out-of-control beer truck soon careened around the corner and didn’t even slow down as it ran the red light.
Shaken, the woman asked out loud, “Who are you?”
“I’m your guardian angel, the voice replied. “I imagine you have some questions for me.”
“You bet I do,” the woman said. “Where were you on my wedding day?”
A bachelor who for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother.
As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him. “Oh, the cat? He’s dead.” said the brother bluntly.
“I can’t believe this!” yells the bachelor. “How could you tell me he’s dead like that?” “How else was I supposed to tell you?” the brother asked.
“Well you could have broke it to me gently.” the brother went on.
“When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down.
Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don’t worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it.
And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn’t save him.” The brother thought about this and says, “That does sound better than the way I said it.”
“Never mind,” says the bachelor exasperated, “How’s mother?” The brother says “She’s on the roof but the fire department is getting her down.”
Wife: My husband thinks he is a refrigerator.
Psychiatrist: I wouldn’t worry as long as he is not violent.
Wife: Oh, the delusion doesn’t bother me. But when he sleeps with his mouth open, the little light keeps me awake.
Judge: How is it that you can’t get a lawyer to defend you?
Defendant: As soon as they found out I didn’t steal the million, they quit!
I never go to church,” boasted a wandering member. “Perhaps you have noticed that pastor?”
“Yes, I have noticed that,” said the pastor.
“Well, the reason I don’t go is because there are so many hypocrites there.”
“Oh, don’t let that keep you away,” replied the pastor with a smile. “There’s always room for one more.”
A woman trained her parrot to give instructions to tradesman who called at her house.
One day the coalman came with a delivery. “Ten sacks please,” said the parrot. “You’re a clever bird being able to talk,” said the coalman as he finished the delivery.
“Yes,” replied the parrot. “And I can count too. Bring the other sack.”
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 