Ninety-year-old Jack goes to his doctor for a check-up. A few weeks later, the doctor sees him in the streets with a gorgeous, much younger woman on his arm.
“You’re really doing well, aren’t you?” he tells the elderly man.
Jack replies, “Just doing what you said Doctor: Get a hot mama and be cheerful.”
“No,” says the doctor. “I said,”You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.”
Our neighbour’s cat was run over by a car, and the mother quickly disposed the remains before her four-year-old son Johnny found out about it. After a few days, though, Johnny asked about the cat.
“Johnny, the cat died, ” his mother explained. “But it’s alright. He’s up in heaven with God.”
The boy asked, “What in the world would God want with a dead cat?”
A cow and a chicken break out of prison and make their way to the border. Hiding behind a bush, they peer out at the checkpoint on the other side of a road, the only thing that stands between them and freedom.
The chicken looks at the cow and says sadly, “You go on. I’ll have to turn back here.”
“But, why?” the bewildered cow asks.
The chicken’s eyes move slowly from the armed guards at the checkpoint to the road in from of them. Then he says, “If I cross that road, it might raise a lot of questions.”
“Pour me a double whisky. I’ve just had an argument with my wife.” Sam tells Charlie the bartender.
“Oh, yeah?” says Charlie. “Who won?”
“Put it like this,” says Sam. “When it was all said and done, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really?” says Charlie. “What did she say?”
“Come out of the bed you snivelling coward.”
A writer died and St. Peter offered her the option of going to heaven or hell. To help decide, she asked for a tour of each destination. St. Peter agreed and decided to take her to hell first.
As she descended into the fiery pits, the writer saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes by demons. “Oh, my,” the writer said, “let me see heaven.”
A few moments later, as they ascended into heaven, the writer saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes by demons. “Hey,” the writer said, “this is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh, no it’s not,” St. Peter replied. “Here, your work gets published.”
A rabbit went to an employment agency to find work. Astonished, the man behind the desk searched through his files and found the perfect position.
“There’s a vacancy for a talking rabbit at the local circus,” said the man.
“What’s good about that?” replied the rabbit. “I’m a qualified plumber.”
NEWSPAPERS are still credible, provided you read between the LIES.
You should never tell a journalist what you don’t want to read in the papers.
“I’ve got the biggest sheep farm in the state,” a farmer boasted to his neighbor.
“Oh yeah? How many sheep do you have?”
“I don’t know. Every time I try to count the sheep, I fall asleep.”
What should you say when you meet a ghost?
How do you boo, Sir, how do you boo!
When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams!
What did mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on!
Who speaks at the ghosts’ press conference?
The spooksperson!
What is the ghost’s favorite dessert?
Boo-Berry pie with I-scream!
An elephant escaped from a circus and no trace had been found until a lady who had never seen an elephant before rang the police. She was panic-stricken.
“There’s a weird monster in my back yard,” she said. “It is pulling up the cabbages with its tail. But what is worse…I cannot describe what it is doing with them!”
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 