Capitalism: You possess two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Socialism: You possess two cows. You give one of them to your neighbour.
Communism: You possess two cows. The government confiscates them and provide you with milk.
Nazism: You possess two cows. The government confiscates them and shoots you.
European Common Market: You possess two cows. The government confiscates them, shoots one, milks the other and pour it down the drain.
Four men go on a hunting trip. The only hotel in the area is almost full, so they have to bunk two to a room. No one wants to share with Joe because he snores, so the others decide to take turns.
The first man stays with Joe and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
“What happened to you?” asked his friends. “Joe snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night,” he moans.
The following evening, it is the second man’s turn. He also looks awful in the morning.
“Oh, man, that Joe shakes the roof,” he says. “I sat up and watched him all night too.”
The third night is Sam’s turn, a burly ex-rugby player. Next morning he comes down to breakfast looking very fresh.
The first two men are incredulous. “Wow, what happened?”
“Well,” says Sam. “We got ready for bed. I tucked Joe in, wished him sweet dreams and kissed him on the forehead. He sat up and watched me all night.”
A wife buys an enormous birthday present for her husband.
He opens it and looks rather confused.
“What am I supposed to do with a rocket?”
“You wanted space,” she replies. “Now get lost.”
A man opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible as the name. But he soon regretted his decision to order office supplies over the phone.
When his stationery arrived, it bore the letterhead “That Nun Should Perish.”
In the process of wiping his bar one day, a bartender looks down and sees a snail. “Can I have a beer?” asks the snail. The bartender just looks at him, shrugs and flicks him off the bar.
A year later, the bartender looks down to find a snail looking at him. “What did you do that for?” it asks.
Two university students had an exam coming up but they opted to party instead, and missed the test. “Our car broke down due to a flat tyre,” they told the professor earnestly. “Can we write the exam tomorrow?” The professor agreed to give them a makeup test the next day.
Both boys crammed all night until they were sure they knew just about everything. Arriving the next morning, each was told to go to a separate classroom to take the exam. They shrugged and complied. As they sat down, they read the first question: “For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.” This is going to be a piece of cake! thought each boy, answering the question with ease.
Then, the test continued. “For 95 points, tell me which tyre it was.”
Three buddies died and went to heaven. Each night, they received tuna fish for dinner. After discussing the situation, they decided to confront God about it.
“Lord, “ one began, “why do we always have tuna for dinner?” We look down and see Satan feeding his minions shrimp, lobsters and steak. Can’t we eat something else?”
God thought for a moment. “You do have a point,” He said, “But it seems like so much trouble to cook just for three.”
A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree.He called a gorilla-removal service and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.
“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs.”
“Got it,” the homeowner replied. “But what’s the shotgun for?”
“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the Chihuahua.”
The business was self-conscious because he had no ears. So, when he hired a manager, he asked each candidate, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”
The first replied, “You have no ears.” He was shown the door. When the second candidate’s response was the same, he was also tossed out.
But the third guy had a different answer. “You’re wearing contact lenses,” he said. “How did you know?” the businessman gasped.
“Because people who have no ears have to wear contacts.”
Scientists have identified a food that, once digested, can have negative effects on people’s health that last for decades, including mood-swings in women, psychotic episodes in men and severe depression in both.
It’s called ‘wedding cake’.
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 