Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven.
As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says “Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!”
“Yeah”, says the other. “And just think, if we hadn’t eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner.”
A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner her father asked the young man into his study for a chat. “So, what are your plan?” he began. “I’m a theology scholar,” the young man replied. “Admirable,” the father said, “but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter?” “I will study and God will provide,” he explained. “And how will you afford to raise children?” “God will provide.”
The men left the study and the mother asked her husband, “How did it go?” “He has no money or employment plans,” the father said. “But on the other hand, he thinks I’m God.”
“In a Sunday school class, the teacher asked the students to write down the Ten Commandments. For the fifth commandment one boy wrote, “Humor thy father and thy mother.”
Little Suzie : My Sunday school teacher says we’re put on earth to help others. Is that right, Mom?
Mother : Of course, dear.
Little Suzie: Then what are the others here for?
A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
“Just tell me,” the golfer persisted, “Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?”
Definition of a true music lover:
“A man who, if he hears a woman singing in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole.”
Two flies were playing soccer in a saucer. “I hope our game improves soon,” said one. “Why?” asked the other. “Because we’re playing in the cup next week.” replied the fly.
Some tortoises were playing a game of poker and ran out of beer, so they sent one of their group
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”, suggested the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.” ~ L. B.Weinstein
A man while walking in a graveyard hears the Third Symphony being played backwards. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backwards, and then the First. “What’s going on?”, he asks a cemetery worker. “It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.” ~ Jeremy Hone
Every ten years, monks in a monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” says the head monk. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.” ~ Alan Lynch
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