Two Indian doctors were having an animated discussion. “I say it’s spelt W-H-O-O-M,” said one. “No, it’s W-H-O-M-B,” said the other. A nurse passing by said “Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelt W-O-M-B.”
“Thanks nurse,” said one, “but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves, besides, we don’t think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water.”
Dear Dad,
Thing$ are really $well here at $chool but they could be better. I need $ome thing$ mo$t de$perately. I $u$pect that you will $urely gue$$ what I mean and $end $ome $oon.
Your loving $on,
$teve
Dear Son,
NOthing is new here. I kNOw that you are doing better NOw than you did in November. Write aNOther letter soon. I want to get this NOte in the NOon mail, so I’ll sign off NOw. Aunt NOra send her regards.
Love,
Dad
A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
“Just tell me,” the golfer persisted, “Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?”
Help Me Doc!
So this guy walks into the doctor’s office with this big white duck on his head.
The doctor looks up and says, “Yes, sir, can I help you?”
And the duck says,
“Yeah, can you get this guy off my butt?”
A duck goes into a furniture store and says ‘got any duck food?’
The guy at the counter says, ‘sorry, we don’t sell duck food’.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. ‘Got any duck food?’
‘Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. ‘
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, ‘got any duck food?’
The guy says ‘No! we don’t sell duck food! and if you come in here again I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor!’
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. ‘Got any nails? ‘
The guy says ‘what?… no’.
‘…got any duck food?’
Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the duck’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the duck. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”, suggested the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.” ~ L. B.Weinstein
A man while walking in a graveyard hears the Third Symphony being played backwards. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backwards, and then the First. “What’s going on?”, he asks a cemetery worker. “It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.” ~ Jeremy Hone
Every ten years, monks in a monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” says the head monk. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.” ~ Alan Lynch
A woman trained her parrot to give instructions to tradesman who called at her house.
One day the coalman came with a delivery. “Ten sacks please,” said the parrot. “You’re a clever bird being able to talk,” said the coalman as he finished the delivery.
“Yes,” replied the parrot. “And I can count too. Bring the other sack.”
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 