Tag Archives: humor jokes
Joke of the day – Jake the snake
Jake the snake goes to see his doctor. “I need something for my eyes. I can’t see very well these days, he says. The doctor gives him a pair of glasses and tells him to come back in a fortnight.
Jake returns two weeks later and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
“What’s the problem?” asks the doctor. “Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine.” says Jake. “But I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose for the last two years.”
Joke of the day – Sunday School
“In a Sunday school class, the teacher asked the students to write down the Ten Commandments. For the fifth commandment one boy wrote, “Humor thy father and thy mother.”
Little Suzie : My Sunday school teacher says we’re put on earth to help others. Is that right, Mom?
Mother : Of course, dear.
Little Suzie: Then what are the others here for?
Joke of the day – Delusion
Wife: My husband thinks he is a refrigerator.
Psychiatrist: I wouldn’t worry as long as he is not violent.
Wife: Oh, the delusion doesn’t bother me. But when he sleeps with his mouth open, the little light keeps me awake.
Joke of the day – Away from his desk
A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
“Just tell me,” the golfer persisted, “Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?”
Duck jokes
Help Me Doc!
So this guy walks into the doctor’s office with this big white duck on his head.
The doctor looks up and says, “Yes, sir, can I help you?”
And the duck says,
“Yeah, can you get this guy off my butt?”
A duck goes into a furniture store and says ‘got any duck food?’
The guy at the counter says, ‘sorry, we don’t sell duck food’.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. ‘Got any duck food?’
‘Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. ‘
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, ‘got any duck food?’
The guy says ‘No! we don’t sell duck food! and if you come in here again I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor!’
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. ‘Got any nails? ‘
The guy says ‘what?… no’.
‘…got any duck food?’
Religious Cowboy The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the duck’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the duck. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
Joke of the day – I never go to church
I never go to church,” boasted a wandering member. “Perhaps you have noticed that pastor?”
“Yes, I have noticed that,” said the pastor.
“Well, the reason I don’t go is because there are so many hypocrites there.”
“Oh, don’t let that keep you away,” replied the pastor with a smile. “There’s always room for one more.”
Short jokes
Definition of a true music lover:
“A man who, if he hears a woman singing in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole.”
Two flies were playing soccer in a saucer. “I hope our game improves soon,” said one. “Why?” asked the other. “Because we’re playing in the cup next week.” replied the fly.
Some tortoises were playing a game of poker and ran out of beer, so they sent one of their group
Short funny jokes
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”, suggested the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.” ~ L. B.Weinstein
A man while walking in a graveyard hears the Third Symphony being played backwards. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backwards, and then the First. “What’s going on?”, he asks a cemetery worker. “It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.” ~ Jeremy Hone
Every ten years, monks in a monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” says the head monk. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.” ~ Alan Lynch
Joke of the day – The Ugly Duckling
The Ugly Duckling
Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on… very tall, dark hair, and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
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