Two Indian doctors were having an animated discussion. “I say it’s spelt W-H-O-O-M,” said one. “No, it’s W-H-O-M-B,” said the other. A nurse passing by said “Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelt W-O-M-B.”
“Thanks nurse,” said one, “but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves, besides, we don’t think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water.”
In court because of a ticket for driving through a red light, a lady told the judge that she was a school teacher and her case needed to be heard immediately so she could get back to classes.
A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye. “Madam, I’ve waited years to have a teacher in this court,” he said. “Now sit down at that table and write “I went through a red light’ 500 times.”
It has got to the stage where people who introduce themselves now add their birth signs.
“Hi, I’m Bill Moloney, Sagittarius.”
“Hi, I’m John Spriggs, Cancer.”
“Hi, I’m Joe Bloggs, bladder infection.”
Heard on a friend’s answering machine: “Hi, I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave a message. If I don’t call back, it’s you.”
Jim, who always show up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
“What happened to you?” his boss asks.
“I fell down two flights of stairs,” Jim answers.
“That took you a whole hour?”
Every day a woman stood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!” And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There’s no Lord!”
One day, she prayed “Lord, I’m hungry. Please send me some groceries.”
The next morning she found a big bag of food on her stairs. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted.
“I told you there was no Lord,” the neighbour said, “I bought those groceries.”
“Praise the Lord,” said the woman. “He not only sent me groceries, he made the devil pay for them.”
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
“Well,” the director said,“we fill a bathtub then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the bathtub.”
“I get it,”the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”
“No”, the director said.
“A normal person would simply pull the plug. I’ll go prepare your room.”
Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:
…”Everyone stand back, I think I lost my contact lens.”
…”Someone call the janitor, we’re going to need a mop and a bucket.”
…”Sterile, schmerile; at lest the operating-room floor is clean.”
…”Hey, that’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?”
…”Nurse, did this patient sign the organ-donor card?”
Three rough-looking stomp into a truck shop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast. One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes.
The second spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate on the floor.
Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” said one of the bikers.
“Not much of a driver either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
An elderly couple with memory problems are advised by their doctor to write notes to help them remember things.
One evening, while watching TV, the wife asks her husband to get her a bowl of ice-cream. “Sure,” he says.
“Write it down,” she suggests.
“No,” he says, “I can remember a simple thing like that.”
“I also want strawberry and whipped cream,” she says. “Write it down.”
“I don’t need to write it down,” he insists, heading to the kitchen.
Twenty minutes later, he returns bearing a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs. “I told you to write it down!” his wife says, “I wanted fried eggs!”
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 