It has got to the stage where people who introduce themselves now add their birth signs.
“Hi, I’m Bill Moloney, Sagittarius.”
“Hi, I’m John Spriggs, Cancer.”
“Hi, I’m Joe Bloggs, bladder infection.”
Category Archives: Good clean jokes
Joke of the day – Answering machine
Heard on a friend’s answering machine: “Hi, I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave a message. If I don’t call back, it’s you.”
Joke of the day – Late for work
Jim, who always show up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
“What happened to you?” his boss asks.
“I fell down two flights of stairs,” Jim answers.
“That took you a whole hour?”
Joke of the day – Love thy neighbour
Every day a woman stood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!” And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There’s no Lord!”
One day, she prayed “Lord, I’m hungry. Please send me some groceries.”
The next morning she found a big bag of food on her stairs. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted.
“I told you there was no Lord,” the neighbour said, “I bought those groceries.”
“Praise the Lord,” said the woman. “He not only sent me groceries, he made the devil pay for them.”
Joke of the day – Bathtub
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
“Well,” the director said,“we fill a bathtub then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the bathtub.”
“I get it,”the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”
“No”, the director said.
“A normal person would simply pull the plug. I’ll go prepare your room.”
Joke of the day – Surgery
Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:
…”Everyone stand back, I think I lost my contact lens.”
…”Someone call the janitor, we’re going to need a mop and a bucket.”
…”Sterile, schmerile; at lest the operating-room floor is clean.”
…”Hey, that’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?”
…”Nurse, did this patient sign the organ-donor card?”
Joke of the day – The 3 bikers
Three rough-looking stomp into a truck shop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast. One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes.
The second spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate on the floor.
Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” said one of the bikers.
“Not much of a driver either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
Joke of the day – Write it down
An elderly couple with memory problems are advised by their doctor to write notes to help them remember things.
One evening, while watching TV, the wife asks her husband to get her a bowl of ice-cream. “Sure,” he says.
“Write it down,” she suggests.
“No,” he says, “I can remember a simple thing like that.”
“I also want strawberry and whipped cream,” she says. “Write it down.”
“I don’t need to write it down,” he insists, heading to the kitchen.
Twenty minutes later, he returns bearing a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs. “I told you to write it down!” his wife says, “I wanted fried eggs!”
Joke of the day – Gold bullion
Determined to “take it with him” when he dies, a very rich man prayed until finally the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.
The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he couldn’t bring in his suitcase. “Oh, but I have an agreement with God,” the man explained.
“That’s unusual,” said St. Peter. “Mind if I take a look?” The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.
St. Peter was amazed. “Why in the world would you bring pavement?
Joke of the day – Christian man and lion
A Christian in ancient Rome was being pursued by a lion. He ran through the city streets and into the woods dodging back and forth among the trees. Finally it became obvious that it was hopeless – the lion was going to catch him. So, he turned suddenly, faced the beast and dropped to his knees. “Lord,” he prayed desperately, “make this lion a Christian.”
Instantly the lion dropped to its knees and prayed, “For this meal of which I am about to partake…”
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