Three buddies died and went to heaven. Each night, they received tuna fish for dinner. After discussing the situation, they decided to confront God about it.
“Lord, “ one began, “why do we always have tuna for dinner?” We look down and see Satan feeding his minions shrimp, lobsters and steak. Can’t we eat something else?”
God thought for a moment. “You do have a point,” He said, “But it seems like so much trouble to cook just for three.”
A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree.He called a gorilla-removal service and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.
“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner. “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs.”
“Got it,” the homeowner replied. “But what’s the shotgun for?”
“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the Chihuahua.”
The business was self-conscious because he had no ears. So, when he hired a manager, he asked each candidate, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”
The first replied, “You have no ears.” He was shown the door. When the second candidate’s response was the same, he was also tossed out.
But the third guy had a different answer. “You’re wearing contact lenses,” he said. “How did you know?” the businessman gasped.
“Because people who have no ears have to wear contacts.”
Scientists have identified a food that, once digested, can have negative effects on people’s health that last for decades, including mood-swings in women, psychotic episodes in men and severe depression in both.
It’s called ‘wedding cake’.
Ninety-year-old Jack goes to his doctor for a check-up. A few weeks later, the doctor sees him in the streets with a gorgeous, much younger woman on his arm.
“You’re really doing well, aren’t you?” he tells the elderly man.
Jack replies, “Just doing what you said Doctor: Get a hot mama and be cheerful.”
“No,” says the doctor. “I said,”You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.”
Our neighbour’s cat was run over by a car, and the mother quickly disposed the remains before her four-year-old son Johnny found out about it. After a few days, though, Johnny asked about the cat.
“Johnny, the cat died, ” his mother explained. “But it’s alright. He’s up in heaven with God.”
The boy asked, “What in the world would God want with a dead cat?”
A cow and a chicken break out of prison and make their way to the border. Hiding behind a bush, they peer out at the checkpoint on the other side of a road, the only thing that stands between them and freedom.
The chicken looks at the cow and says sadly, “You go on. I’ll have to turn back here.”
“But, why?” the bewildered cow asks.
The chicken’s eyes move slowly from the armed guards at the checkpoint to the road in from of them. Then he says, “If I cross that road, it might raise a lot of questions.”
“Pour me a double whisky. I’ve just had an argument with my wife.” Sam tells Charlie the bartender.
“Oh, yeah?” says Charlie. “Who won?”
“Put it like this,” says Sam. “When it was all said and done, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really?” says Charlie. “What did she say?”
“Come out of the bed you snivelling coward.”
A writer died and St. Peter offered her the option of going to heaven or hell. To help decide, she asked for a tour of each destination. St. Peter agreed and decided to take her to hell first.
As she descended into the fiery pits, the writer saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes by demons. “Oh, my,” the writer said, “let me see heaven.”
A few moments later, as they ascended into heaven, the writer saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes by demons. “Hey,” the writer said, “this is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh, no it’s not,” St. Peter replied. “Here, your work gets published.”
A rabbit went to an employment agency to find work. Astonished, the man behind the desk searched through his files and found the perfect position.
“There’s a vacancy for a talking rabbit at the local circus,” said the man.
“What’s good about that?” replied the rabbit. “I’m a qualified plumber.”
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