A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner her father asked the young man into his study for a chat. “So, what are your plan?” he began. “I’m a theology scholar,” the young man replied. “Admirable,” the father said, “but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter?” “I will study and God will provide,” he explained. “And how will you afford to raise children?” “God will provide.”
The men left the study and the mother asked her husband, “How did it go?” “He has no money or employment plans,” the father said. “But on the other hand, he thinks I’m God.”
1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor, and you don’t care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.
3. You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
6. Popsicles become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
10. Your kids make jokes about bodily functions, and you think it’s funny.
11. You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls…and HE hangs up on YOU!
12. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
13. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
14. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making Rice Krispie treats.
15. You’re up each night until 10:00 P.M. vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller-blading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink, or go to the bathroom, and yet…you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
Wife: My husband thinks he is a refrigerator.
Psychiatrist: I wouldn’t worry as long as he is not violent.
Wife: Oh, the delusion doesn’t bother me. But when he sleeps with his mouth open, the little light keeps me awake.
A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
“Just tell me,” the golfer persisted, “Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?”
Definition of a true music lover:
“A man who, if he hears a woman singing in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole.”
Two flies were playing soccer in a saucer. “I hope our game improves soon,” said one. “Why?” asked the other. “Because we’re playing in the cup next week.” replied the fly.
Some tortoises were playing a game of poker and ran out of beer, so they sent one of their group
The Ugly Duckling
Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on… very tall, dark hair, and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
After giving a woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out. “Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water.”
“Exactly what is my problem, Doctor?” the woman asked.
“You’re not drinking enough water.”
A woman trained her parrot to give instructions to tradesman who called at her house.
One day the coalman came with a delivery. “Ten sacks please,” said the parrot. “You’re a clever bird being able to talk,” said the coalman as he finished the delivery.
“Yes,” replied the parrot. “And I can count too. Bring the other sack.”
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 