Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
“Well,” the director said,“we fill a bathtub then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the bathtub.”
“I get it,”the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”
“No”, the director said.
“A normal person would simply pull the plug. I’ll go prepare your room.”
Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:
…”Everyone stand back, I think I lost my contact lens.”
…”Someone call the janitor, we’re going to need a mop and a bucket.”
…”Sterile, schmerile; at lest the operating-room floor is clean.”
…”Hey, that’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?”
…”Nurse, did this patient sign the organ-donor card?”
Three rough-looking stomp into a truck shop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast. One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes.
The second spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate on the floor.
Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?” said one of the bikers.
“Not much of a driver either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
An elderly couple with memory problems are advised by their doctor to write notes to help them remember things.
One evening, while watching TV, the wife asks her husband to get her a bowl of ice-cream. “Sure,” he says.
“Write it down,” she suggests.
“No,” he says, “I can remember a simple thing like that.”
“I also want strawberry and whipped cream,” she says. “Write it down.”
“I don’t need to write it down,” he insists, heading to the kitchen.
Twenty minutes later, he returns bearing a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs. “I told you to write it down!” his wife says, “I wanted fried eggs!”
Determined to “take it with him” when he dies, a very rich man prayed until finally the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.
The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he couldn’t bring in his suitcase. “Oh, but I have an agreement with God,” the man explained.
“That’s unusual,” said St. Peter. “Mind if I take a look?” The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.
St. Peter was amazed. “Why in the world would you bring pavement?
Capitalism: You possess two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Socialism: You possess two cows. You give one of them to your neighbour.
Communism: You possess two cows. The government confiscates them and provide you with milk.
Nazism: You possess two cows. The government confiscates them and shoots you.
European Common Market: You possess two cows. The government confiscates them, shoots one, milks the other and pour it down the drain.
Four men go on a hunting trip. The only hotel in the area is almost full, so they have to bunk two to a room. No one wants to share with Joe because he snores, so the others decide to take turns.
The first man stays with Joe and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
“What happened to you?” asked his friends. “Joe snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night,” he moans.
The following evening, it is the second man’s turn. He also looks awful in the morning.
“Oh, man, that Joe shakes the roof,” he says. “I sat up and watched him all night too.”
The third night is Sam’s turn, a burly ex-rugby player. Next morning he comes down to breakfast looking very fresh.
The first two men are incredulous. “Wow, what happened?”
“Well,” says Sam. “We got ready for bed. I tucked Joe in, wished him sweet dreams and kissed him on the forehead. He sat up and watched me all night.”
A wife buys an enormous birthday present for her husband.
He opens it and looks rather confused.
“What am I supposed to do with a rocket?”
“You wanted space,” she replies. “Now get lost.”
A man opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible as the name. But he soon regretted his decision to order office supplies over the phone.
When his stationery arrived, it bore the letterhead “That Nun Should Perish.”
In the process of wiping his bar one day, a bartender looks down and sees a snail. “Can I have a beer?” asks the snail. The bartender just looks at him, shrugs and flicks him off the bar.
A year later, the bartender looks down to find a snail looking at him. “What did you do that for?” it asks.
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 