It was three in the morning when a busker began playing his banjo outside the bedroom window of a wealthy tycoon.
Eventually the window was opened. “What do you think you are doing waking me up in the wee hours of the morning?”
“Listen, mate,” said the busker. “I don’t tell you how to run your business, so don’t tell me how to run mine!”
A gorilla swaggered into a waterside pub, slapped a five dollar note on the bar and asked for a beer.
It took the barman by surprise for a moment, but ever ready to make a quid he capitalised on this unusual situation, pulling the beer, scooping up the fiver and giving the gorilla 60 cents in small change.
But as the primate sipped his beer, the phenomena of a talking gorilla aroused the barman’s curiosity to the point where it could be contained no longer.
“Out for a walk, are you? he ventured.
“Yeah,” mumbled the gorilla.
“We don’t get many gorillas in here,” pressed the barman trying to make conversation.
“No wonder, at $4.40 a glass!”
A flea had spent the evening in the pub. At closing time he hopped out and landed flat on his face.
“Hei…who moved my dog,” he said.
Two Jewish gentlemen were seated together on a plane. They had been in the air for 30 minutes when the younger man asked the other if he had the time.
There was no answer. “Can you tell me the time please?”
Again there was no answer and the younger man detected some kind of deliberate resistance.
The aircraft was on its descent path when the older man quickly looked at his watch and said it was ten past three.
There was silence for a while before the young man said, “Why didn’t you tell me the time earlier?”
“Well, you know what it is like on flights. People get talking to each other. We could become friendly, especially when we are both Jewish. I would be obliged to invite you home. I have a lovely daughter and you are a young man, quite handsome. Romance could blossom and before long you could be asking for her hand in marriage. And to put it bluntly, I don’t want a son-in-law who hasn’t got a watch.”
Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, “They won’t let us in a restaurant with pets.”
Undeterred, the first guy and his German Shepherd head into the restaurant. The waiter stops them, saying “Sir, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“But I’m blind,” the man replies, “and this is my guide dog.”
The waiter, apologizing profusely, show both man and dog to a table.
His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. “You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?” the skeptical waiter asks.
“A Chihuahua?” the man says, “Is that what they gave me?”
In court because of a ticket for driving through a red light, a lady told the judge that she was a school teacher and her case needed to be heard immediately so she could get back to classes.
A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye. “Madam, I’ve waited years to have a teacher in this court,” he said. “Now sit down at that table and write “I went through a red light’ 500 times.”
It has got to the stage where people who introduce themselves now add their birth signs.
“Hi, I’m Bill Moloney, Sagittarius.”
“Hi, I’m John Spriggs, Cancer.”
“Hi, I’m Joe Bloggs, bladder infection.”
Heard on a friend’s answering machine: “Hi, I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave a message. If I don’t call back, it’s you.”
Jim, who always show up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
“What happened to you?” his boss asks.
“I fell down two flights of stairs,” Jim answers.
“That took you a whole hour?”
Every day a woman stood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!” And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There’s no Lord!”
One day, she prayed “Lord, I’m hungry. Please send me some groceries.”
The next morning she found a big bag of food on her stairs. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted.
“I told you there was no Lord,” the neighbour said, “I bought those groceries.”
“Praise the Lord,” said the woman. “He not only sent me groceries, he made the devil pay for them.”
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 