The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot. The young man jumped out and said, “Sorry Pops, but you’ve got to be young and smart to do that.”
The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap. “Sorry son, you’ve got to be old and rich to do that!”
Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, “They won’t let us in a restaurant with pets.”
Undeterred, the first guy and his German Shepherd head into the restaurant. The waiter stops them, saying “Sir, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“But I’m blind,” the man replies, “and this is my guide dog.”
The waiter, apologizing profusely, show both man and dog to a table.
His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. “You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?” the skeptical waiter asks.
“A Chihuahua?” the man says, “Is that what they gave me?”
Two Indian doctors were having an animated discussion. “I say it’s spelt W-H-O-O-M,” said one. “No, it’s W-H-O-M-B,” said the other. A nurse passing by said “Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelt W-O-M-B.”
“Thanks nurse,” said one, “but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves, besides, we don’t think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water.”
In court because of a ticket for driving through a red light, a lady told the judge that she was a school teacher and her case needed to be heard immediately so she could get back to classes.
A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye. “Madam, I’ve waited years to have a teacher in this court,” he said. “Now sit down at that table and write “I went through a red light’ 500 times.”
It has got to the stage where people who introduce themselves now add their birth signs.
“Hi, I’m Bill Moloney, Sagittarius.”
“Hi, I’m John Spriggs, Cancer.”
“Hi, I’m Joe Bloggs, bladder infection.”
Jim, who always show up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
“What happened to you?” his boss asks.
“I fell down two flights of stairs,” Jim answers.
“That took you a whole hour?”
Every day a woman stood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!” And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There’s no Lord!”
One day, she prayed “Lord, I’m hungry. Please send me some groceries.”
The next morning she found a big bag of food on her stairs. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted.
“I told you there was no Lord,” the neighbour said, “I bought those groceries.”
“Praise the Lord,” said the woman. “He not only sent me groceries, he made the devil pay for them.”
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
“Well,” the director said,“we fill a bathtub then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the bathtub.”
“I get it,”the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”
“No”, the director said.
“A normal person would simply pull the plug. I’ll go prepare your room.”
Jake the snake goes to see his doctor. “I need something for my eyes. I can’t see very well these days, he says. The doctor gives him a pair of glasses and tells him to come back in a fortnight.
Jake returns two weeks later and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
“What’s the problem?” asks the doctor. “Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine.” says Jake. “But I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose for the last two years.”
A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
“Just tell me,” the golfer persisted, “Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?”
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 