Tag Archives: good clean jokes

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Joke of the day – Guide dogs

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Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, “They won’t let us in a restaurant with pets.”

Undeterred, the first guy and his German Shepherd head into the restaurant. The waiter stops them, saying “Sir, you can’t bring your dog in here.”

“But I’m blind,” the man replies, “and this is my guide dog.”

The waiter, apologizing profusely, show both man and dog to a table.

His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. “You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?” the skeptical waiter asks.

“A Chihuahua?” the man says, “Is that what they gave me?”

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Joke of the day – The ‘spelling’ argument

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Two Indian doctors were having an animated discussion. “I say it’s spelt W-H-O-O-M,” said one. “No, it’s W-H-O-M-B,” said the other. A nurse passing by said “Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelt W-O-M-B.”

“Thanks nurse,” said one, “but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves, besides, we don’t think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water.”

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Joke of the day – Beating the red light

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In court because of a ticket for driving through a red light, a lady told the judge that she was a school teacher and her case needed to be heard immediately so she could get back to classes.

A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye. “Madam, I’ve waited years to have a teacher in this court,” he said. “Now sit down at that table and write “I went through a red light’ 500 times.”

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Joke of the day – Bathtub

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Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

“Well,” the director said,“we fill a bathtub then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the bathtub.”

“I get it,”the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”

“No”, the director said.

“A normal person would simply pull the plug. I’ll go prepare your room.”

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Joke of the day – Surgery

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Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

…”Everyone stand back, I think I lost my contact lens.”

…”Someone call the janitor, we’re going to need a mop and a bucket.”

…”Sterile, schmerile; at lest the operating-room floor is clean.”

…”Hey, that’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?”

…”Nurse, did this patient sign the organ-donor card?”

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Joke of the day – The 3 bikers

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Three rough-looking stomp into a truck shop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast. One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes.
The second spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate on the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” said one of the bikers.

“Not much of a driver either,” says the waitress. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

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Joke of the day – Write it down

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An elderly couple with memory problems are advised by their doctor to write notes to help them remember things.

One evening, while watching TV, the wife asks her husband to get her a bowl of ice-cream. “Sure,” he says.

“Write it down,” she suggests.

“No,” he says, “I can remember a simple thing like that.”

“I also want strawberry and whipped cream,” she says. “Write it down.”

“I don’t need to write it down,” he insists, heading to the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later, he returns bearing a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs. “I told you to write it down!” his wife says, “I wanted fried eggs!”

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Joke of the day – Christian man and lion

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A Christian in ancient Rome was being pursued by a lion. He ran through the city streets and into the woods dodging back and forth among the trees. Finally it became obvious that it was hopeless – the lion was going to catch him. So, he turned suddenly, faced the beast and dropped to his knees. “Lord,” he prayed desperately, “make this lion a Christian.”

Instantly the lion dropped to its knees and prayed, “For this meal of which I am about to partake…”

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Joke of the day – The monastery

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The monastery was in financial trouble and decided to go into the fish and chip business. One night a customer rapped on the door which was opened by a monk.
“Are you the fish friar?”
“No,” replied the robed figure. “I’m a chip monk!”

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Joke of the day – The hunting trip

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Four men go on a hunting trip. The only hotel in the area is almost full, so they have to bunk two to a room. No one wants to share with Joe because he snores, so the others decide to take turns.

The first man stays with Joe and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.

“What happened to you?” asked his friends. “Joe snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night,” he moans.

The following evening, it is the second man’s turn. He also looks awful in the morning.

“Oh, man, that Joe shakes the roof,” he says. “I sat up and watched him all night too.”

The third night is Sam’s turn, a burly ex-rugby player. Next morning he comes down to breakfast looking very fresh.

The first two men are incredulous. “Wow, what happened?”

“Well,” says Sam. “We got ready for bed. I tucked Joe in, wished him sweet dreams and kissed him on the forehead. He sat up and watched me all night.”