Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven.
As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says “Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!”
“Yeah”, says the other. “And just think, if we hadn’t eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner.”
After my second year of medical school, I moved back home with my parents. Because my father work me every morning at seven, I put a note on my door, “DO NOT DISTURB, Studying until 3 am.”
This got no sympathy from my day, who is himself a doctor. He left a note attached to mine : The hotel management hopes you’re enjoying your stay. We’d like to remind you that checkout was at noon – approximately six years ago. – Varghese Abraham
An old dollar bill and an even older $20 arrive at the bank to be retired.
“I’ve had a pretty good life,” says the $20, “I’ve been to fine restaurants, hip clubs and even a Caribbean cruise. You?”
“Oh,” says the dollar bill, “I’ve been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, spent some time with the Lutherans.”
“Wait,” the $20 interrupts, “What’s a church?”
Jake the snake goes to see his doctor. “I need something for my eyes. I can’t see very well these days, he says. The doctor gives him a pair of glasses and tells him to come back in a fortnight.
Jake returns two weeks later and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
“What’s the problem?” asks the doctor. “Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine.” says Jake. “But I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose for the last two years.”
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda – a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.’
A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
Wife: My husband thinks he is a refrigerator.
Psychiatrist: I wouldn’t worry as long as he is not violent.
Wife: Oh, the delusion doesn’t bother me. But when he sleeps with his mouth open, the little light keeps me awake.
Judge: How is it that you can’t get a lawyer to defend you?
Defendant: As soon as they found out I didn’t steal the million, they quit!
Plato : For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Dr Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
Martin Luther King, Jr: In envisioned a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Captain James T Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
“Just tell me,” the golfer persisted, “Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?”
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 