Patient: “Doctor, Doctor, I have a carrot growing on my head.”
Doctor: “Amazing! How could that have happened?”
Patient: “I don’t understand it – I planted watermelons there!”
Tag Archives: doctor jokes
Joke of the day – Surgeon
REMEMBER:
Never argue with surgeons.
They have inside information.
Photo credit: http://www.markingourterritory.wordpress.com
Joke of the day – Plastic surgeon
“What happened to the plastic surgeon when he sat near the fire?”
“He melted.”
Joke of the day – Medical Terminology
Medical terminology for the layman:
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Barium: What you do when CPR fails.
Cesarean Section: A district in Rome.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Congenital: Friendly.
Dilate: To live long.
Fester: Quicker.
GI Series: Baseball game between teams of soldiers.
Hangnail: A coat hook.
Medical staff: A doctor’s cane.
Minor operation: Coal digging.
Morbid: A higher offer.
Nitrate: Lower than the day rate.
Node: Was aware of.
Organic: Church musician.
Outpatient: Person who has fainted.
Post-operative: A letter carrier.
Protein: In favor of young people.
Secretion: Hiding anything.
Serology: Study of English knighthood.
Tablet: A small table.
Tumor: An extra pair.
Urine: Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose veins: Veins which are very close together.
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Joke of the day – Operation
A patient walked into a doctor’s office and was told he needed an operation.
He asked, “What’s the operation for?”
The doctor said, “Five thousand dollars.”
The patient said, “No, I meant, what’s the reason?”
The doctor said, “I told you – five thousand dollars!”
Joke of the day – Time to live
Jim: “The doctor gave me two weeks to live.”
Sam: “Goodness, what did you say?”
Jim: “I told him I’d take the first two weeks of December.”
Joke of the day – The ‘spelling’ argument
Two Indian doctors were having an animated discussion. “I say it’s spelt W-H-O-O-M,” said one. “No, it’s W-H-O-M-B,” said the other. A nurse passing by said “Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelt W-O-M-B.”
“Thanks nurse,” said one, “but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves, besides, we don’t think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water.”
Joke of the day – Surgery
Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:
…”Everyone stand back, I think I lost my contact lens.”
…”Someone call the janitor, we’re going to need a mop and a bucket.”
…”Sterile, schmerile; at lest the operating-room floor is clean.”
…”Hey, that’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?”
…”Nurse, did this patient sign the organ-donor card?”
Joke of the day – The ninety-year-old
Ninety-year-old Jack goes to his doctor for a check-up. A few weeks later, the doctor sees him in the streets with a gorgeous, much younger woman on his arm.
“You’re really doing well, aren’t you?” he tells the elderly man.
Jack replies, “Just doing what you said Doctor: Get a hot mama and be cheerful.”
“No,” says the doctor. “I said,”You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.”
Joke of the day – Doctor, Doctor
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a sheep.
That’s baaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog.
Sit!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Oh, pull yourself together!
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge.
What’s come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a bus.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m God.
When did this start?
After I created the sun, then the earth …
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