What do you call a bad psychic?
Telepathetic
Joke of the day – Psychic
What do you call a bad psychic?
Telepathetic
Tag Archives: funny clean jokes
Joke of the day – New kid
Little Johnny had just met the new kid at playgroup.
“How old are you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do women bother you?”
“No.”
“Then you are five.”
Joke of the day – Bad news
A bachelor who for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother.
As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him. “Oh, the cat? He’s dead.” said the brother bluntly.
“I can’t believe this!” yells the bachelor. “How could you tell me he’s dead like that?” “How else was I supposed to tell you?” the brother asked.
“Well you could have broke it to me gently.” the brother went on.
“When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down.
Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don’t worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it.
And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn’t save him.” The brother thought about this and says, “That does sound better than the way I said it.”
“Never mind,” says the bachelor exasperated, “How’s mother?” The brother says “She’s on the roof but the fire department is getting her down.”
Joke of the day – $1 & $20
An old dollar bill and an even older $20 arrive at the bank to be retired.
“I’ve had a pretty good life,” says the $20, “I’ve been to fine restaurants, hip clubs and even a Caribbean cruise. You?”
“Oh,” says the dollar bill, “I’ve been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, spent some time with the Lutherans.”
“Wait,” the $20 interrupts, “What’s a church?”
Joke of the day – Jake the snake
Jake the snake goes to see his doctor. “I need something for my eyes. I can’t see very well these days, he says. The doctor gives him a pair of glasses and tells him to come back in a fortnight.
Jake returns two weeks later and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
“What’s the problem?” asks the doctor. “Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine.” says Jake. “But I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose for the last two years.”
Joke of the day – I’m a Panda
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda – a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.’
Answers to why the chicken crossed the road
Plato : For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Dr Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
Martin Luther King, Jr: In envisioned a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Captain James T Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Short funny jokes
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”, suggested the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.” ~ L. B.Weinstein
A man while walking in a graveyard hears the Third Symphony being played backwards. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backwards, and then the First. “What’s going on?”, he asks a cemetery worker. “It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.” ~ Jeremy Hone
Every ten years, monks in a monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” says the head monk. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.” ~ Alan Lynch
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