An elderly lady approached the pearly gates and knocked.
“Who is it?” asked St. Peter.
“It is I,” came the reply.
“Oh no,” muttered St. Peter. “Not another school teacher.”
Tag Archives: heaven jokes
Joke of the day – Two lines in heaven
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines: one line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.β
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, βYou men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?β
And the man replied, βI donβt know, my wife told me to stand here.β
Joke of the day – The cat in heaven
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.
The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”
The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”
The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
A week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”
Joke of the day – The steps to heaven
A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step Heβd tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldnβt enter heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.
Then, it was the blondeβs turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
βWhy are you laughing?β God asked. βI didnβt tell a joke.β
βI know,β the blonde replied. βI just got the first one.β
Joke of the day – The pastor and taxi driver
A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
“Wow, thank you”, said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the pastor. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”
“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.”
Joke of the day – Gold bullion
Determined to “take it with him” when he dies, a very rich man prayed until finally the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.
The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he couldn’t bring in his suitcase. “Oh, but I have an agreement with God,” the man explained.
“That’s unusual,” said St. Peter. “Mind if I take a look?” The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.
St. Peter was amazed. “Why in the world would you bring pavement?
Joke of the day – Tuna for dinner
Three buddies died and went to heaven. Each night, they received tuna fish for dinner. After discussing the situation, they decided to confront God about it.
“Lord, “ one began, “why do we always have tuna for dinner?” We look down and see Satan feeding his minions shrimp, lobsters and steak. Can’t we eat something else?”
God thought for a moment. “You do have a point,” He said, “But it seems like so much trouble to cook just for three.”
Joke of the day – Healthy Christians
Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven.
As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says “Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!”
“Yeah”, says the other. “And just think, if we hadn’t eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner.”
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