Tag Archives: jokes

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Joke of the day – Letter to God

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A little boy wanted 100 dollars badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, they decided to send it to the President

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a 10 dollar bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the money and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:

Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, and as usual, those jerks deducted 90%. Love, Tommy

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Joke of the day – The safari trip

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A group of tourists were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals.

“Oh, yes!” the chief of the tribe exclaimed.

“We’re going to put all of you into big pots of water, cook you and eat you!”

“You can’t do that to me,” a member of the tour said, “I’m the editor of a big newspaper.”

“Well,” the chief responded. “Tonight, you will be editor-in-chief.”

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Joke of the day – Elevator or lift

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An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby and pushed a button for elevator service. “The lift will be down presently,” said a nearby clerk.

“The lift?”, said the American. “Oh, you mean the elevator.”

“No, I mean the lift, replied the Englishman, annoyed by the American’s arrogance.

“I think I should know what it’s called,” said the American. “After all, elevators were invented in the United States.”

“Perhaps,” retorted the Englishman. “But the language was invented here.”

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Joke of the day – Computer dating service

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A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”

The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”

“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.

The results read, “Buy a television.”

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Joke of the day – The nun

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A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: “Now that is what I call faith!”

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Joke of the day – The lucky saucer

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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.” And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”

To which the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

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Joke of the day – Future mother-in-law

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A handsome young man had just become engaged and met his fiance’s mother for the first time. “How old do you think I am? she asked the lad.

“Well,” he said after a moment’s thought, “I am wondering whether to make you ten years younger to fit with your looks and figure, or ten years older on account of your wise intelligence.”

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Joke of the day – The twins

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A pregnant woman from New York was in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. Asleep for almost 6 months, she woke up one day and saw she was no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

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Joke of the day – The weatherman

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A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day a young native went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”

The next day it rained. A week later, the native went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm. “This native is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the native to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the young native didn’t show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”

The native shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said. “Radio is broken.”

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Joke of the day – The pastor and taxi driver

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A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

“Wow, thank you”, said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the pastor. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”

“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.”