The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot. The young man jumped out and said, “Sorry Pops, but you’ve got to be young and smart to do that.”
The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap. “Sorry son, you’ve got to be old and rich to do that!”
A flea had spent the evening in the pub. At closing time he hopped out and landed flat on his face.
“Hei…who moved my dog,” he said.
Two Indian doctors were having an animated discussion. “I say it’s spelt W-H-O-O-M,” said one. “No, it’s W-H-O-M-B,” said the other. A nurse passing by said “Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelt W-O-M-B.”
“Thanks nurse,” said one, “but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves, besides, we don’t think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water.”
In court because of a ticket for driving through a red light, a lady told the judge that she was a school teacher and her case needed to be heard immediately so she could get back to classes.
A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye. “Madam, I’ve waited years to have a teacher in this court,” he said. “Now sit down at that table and write “I went through a red light’ 500 times.”
It has got to the stage where people who introduce themselves now add their birth signs.
“Hi, I’m Bill Moloney, Sagittarius.”
“Hi, I’m John Spriggs, Cancer.”
“Hi, I’m Joe Bloggs, bladder infection.”
Heard on a friend’s answering machine: “Hi, I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave a message. If I don’t call back, it’s you.”
Jim, who always show up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
“What happened to you?” his boss asks.
“I fell down two flights of stairs,” Jim answers.
“That took you a whole hour?”
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
“Well,” the director said,“we fill a bathtub then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the bathtub.”
“I get it,”the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”
“No”, the director said.
“A normal person would simply pull the plug. I’ll go prepare your room.”
Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:
…”Everyone stand back, I think I lost my contact lens.”
…”Someone call the janitor, we’re going to need a mop and a bucket.”
…”Sterile, schmerile; at lest the operating-room floor is clean.”
…”Hey, that’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?”
…”Nurse, did this patient sign the organ-donor card?”
A Christian in ancient Rome was being pursued by a lion. He ran through the city streets and into the woods dodging back and forth among the trees. Finally it became obvious that it was hopeless – the lion was going to catch him. So, he turned suddenly, faced the beast and dropped to his knees. “Lord,” he prayed desperately, “make this lion a Christian.”
Instantly the lion dropped to its knees and prayed, “For this meal of which I am about to partake…”
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 