One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. “I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job — a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”
“Poof!” said the genie. “You’re a housewife.”
The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children’s Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story.
Little Bobby was most interested and drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat, behind the wheel was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.
The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve.
But little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. “Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!”
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don’t love me any more…”
“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”
When I saw a little girl pushing a doll in a toy stroller, I smiled and asked “Is that your baby?”
“No, it’s a doll,” she replied. Then she added confidentially,“They’re a lot less trouble.”
An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby and pushed a button for elevator service. “The lift will be down presently,” said a nearby clerk.
“The lift?”, said the American. “Oh, you mean the elevator.”
“No, I mean the lift, replied the Englishman, annoyed by the American’s arrogance.
“I think I should know what it’s called,” said the American. “After all, elevators were invented in the United States.”
“Perhaps,” retorted the Englishman. “But the language was invented here.”
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”
The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”
“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, “Buy a television.”
A handsome young man had just become engaged and met his fiance’s mother for the first time. “How old do you think I am? she asked the lad.
“Well,” he said after a moment’s thought, “I am wondering whether to make you ten years younger to fit with your looks and figure, or ten years older on account of your wise intelligence.”
A pregnant woman from New York was in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. Asleep for almost 6 months, she woke up one day and saw she was no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise.”
“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”
“Denephew.”
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
The rabbi was hit by a bus and first on the spot was his old friend the Catholic priest who thought it was an excellent opportunity for conversation.
“Do you believe in the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost?” whispered the priest.
The rabbi opened his eyes. “I’m dying and you ask me riddles!”
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 