Category Archives: Good clean jokes

0

Joke of the day – Bad news

|

is (1)

A bachelor who for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother.

As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him. “Oh, the cat? He’s dead.” said the brother bluntly.

“I can’t believe this!” yells the bachelor. “How could you tell me he’s dead like that?” “How else was I supposed to tell you?” the brother asked.

“Well you could have broke it to me gently.” the brother went on.
“When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down.

Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don’t worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it.

And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn’t save him.” The brother thought about this and says, “That does sound better than the way I said it.”

“Never mind,” says the bachelor exasperated, “How’s mother?” The brother says “She’s on the roof but the fire department is getting her down.”

0

Joke of the day – Lawyer & Policeman

|

th

A lawyer drives through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. He thinks that he’s cleverer than the officer and decides to talk his way out of a fine.

“Show me your license and registration,” says the policeman.

“What for?” says the lawyer.

“I slowed down and no-one was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop.”

“What’s the difference?”

“The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law.”

“If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,” says the lawyer, “I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go.”

“Get out of the vehicle, please sir,” says the policeman.

The lawyer gets out and the policeman starts beating the hell out of him with his truncheon. “Do you want me to stop?” asks the cop, “or just slow down?”

0

Joke of the day – Healthy Christians

|

images

Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven.

As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says “Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!”

“Yeah”, says the other. “And just think, if we hadn’t eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner.”

0

Joke of the day – Medical student

|

images

After my second year of medical school, I moved back home with my parents. Because my father work me every morning at seven, I put a note on my door, “DO NOT DISTURB, Studying until 3 am.”
This got no sympathy from my day, who is himself a doctor. He left a note attached to mine : The hotel management hopes you’re enjoying your stay. We’d like to remind you that checkout was at noon – approximately six years ago. – Varghese Abraham

0

Joke of the day – $1 & $20

|

download

An old dollar bill and an even older $20 arrive at the bank to be retired.

“I’ve had a pretty good life,” says the $20, “I’ve been to fine restaurants, hip clubs and even a Caribbean cruise. You?”

“Oh,” says the dollar bill, “I’ve been to the Methodist church, the Baptist church, spent some time with the Lutherans.”

“Wait,” the $20 interrupts, “What’s a church?”

0

Joke of the day – Jake the snake

|

images

Jake the snake goes to see his doctor. “I need something for my eyes. I can’t see very well these days, he says. The doctor gives him a pair of glasses and tells him to come back in a fortnight.

Jake returns two weeks later and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

“What’s the problem?” asks the doctor. “Didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine.” says Jake. “But I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose for the last two years.”

0

Joke of the day – I’m a Panda

|

images

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda – a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.’

0

Joke of the day – Drawing God

|

images

A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

0

Joke of the day – God will provide

|

A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner her father asked the young man into his study for a chat. “So, what are your plan?” he began. “I’m a theology scholar,” the young man replied. “Admirable,” the father said, “but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter?” “I will study and God will provide,” he explained. “And how will you afford to raise children?” “God will provide.”

The men left the study and the mother asked her husband, “How did it go?” “He has no money or employment plans,” the father said. “But on the other hand, he thinks I’m God.”

0

Joke of the day – Sunday School

|

images

“In a Sunday school class, the teacher asked the students to write down the Ten Commandments. For the fifth commandment one boy wrote, “Humor thy father and thy mother.”

Little Suzie : My Sunday school teacher says we’re put on earth to help others. Is that right, Mom?

Mother : Of course, dear.

Little Suzie: Then what are the others here for?