A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, “Dear God, please bless Mom and Dad and all the family and please give me a good night’s sleep.”
Suddenly he looked up and shouted, “And don’t forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!”
“There is no need to shout like that,” said his mother. “God isn’t deaf.”
“No,” said the little boy, “but Grandma is.”
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked, “Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.”
The civil engineer interrupted and said, “But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world.”
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”
The rabbi was hit by a bus and first on the spot was his old friend the Catholic priest who thought it was an excellent opportunity for conversation.
“Do you believe in the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost?” whispered the priest.
The rabbi opened his eyes. “I’m dying and you ask me riddles!”
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell. He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.”
They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it.”
They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”
It was three in the morning when a busker began playing his banjo outside the bedroom window of a wealthy tycoon.
Eventually the window was opened. “What do you think you are doing waking me up in the wee hours of the morning?”
“Listen, mate,” said the busker. “I don’t tell you how to run your business, so don’t tell me how to run mine!”
A gorilla swaggered into a waterside pub, slapped a five dollar note on the bar and asked for a beer.
It took the barman by surprise for a moment, but ever ready to make a quid he capitalised on this unusual situation, pulling the beer, scooping up the fiver and giving the gorilla 60 cents in small change.
But as the primate sipped his beer, the phenomena of a talking gorilla aroused the barman’s curiosity to the point where it could be contained no longer.
“Out for a walk, are you? he ventured.
“Yeah,” mumbled the gorilla.
“We don’t get many gorillas in here,” pressed the barman trying to make conversation.
“No wonder, at $4.40 a glass!”
The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot. The young man jumped out and said, “Sorry Pops, but you’ve got to be young and smart to do that.”
The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap. “Sorry son, you’ve got to be old and rich to do that!”
Two Jewish gentlemen were seated together on a plane. They had been in the air for 30 minutes when the younger man asked the other if he had the time.
There was no answer. “Can you tell me the time please?”
Again there was no answer and the younger man detected some kind of deliberate resistance.
The aircraft was on its descent path when the older man quickly looked at his watch and said it was ten past three.
There was silence for a while before the young man said, “Why didn’t you tell me the time earlier?”
“Well, you know what it is like on flights. People get talking to each other. We could become friendly, especially when we are both Jewish. I would be obliged to invite you home. I have a lovely daughter and you are a young man, quite handsome. Romance could blossom and before long you could be asking for her hand in marriage. And to put it bluntly, I don’t want a son-in-law who hasn’t got a watch.”
Two Indian doctors were having an animated discussion. “I say it’s spelt W-H-O-O-M,” said one. “No, it’s W-H-O-M-B,” said the other. A nurse passing by said “Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelt W-O-M-B.”
“Thanks nurse,” said one, “but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves, besides, we don’t think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water.”
In court because of a ticket for driving through a red light, a lady told the judge that she was a school teacher and her case needed to be heard immediately so she could get back to classes.
A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye. “Madam, I’ve waited years to have a teacher in this court,” he said. “Now sit down at that table and write “I went through a red light’ 500 times.”
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