Joke of the day – The steps to heaven

July 12, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.

God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.

“Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”

“I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first one.”

Joke of the day – Letter to God

July 11, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A little boy wanted 100 dollars badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, they decided to send it to the President

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a 10 dollar bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the money and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:

Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, and as usual, those jerks deducted 90%. Love, Tommy

Joke of the day – The safari trip

July 10, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A group of tourists were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals.

“Oh, yes!” the chief of the tribe exclaimed.

“We’re going to put all of you into big pots of water, cook you and eat you!”

“You can’t do that to me,” a member of the tour said, “I’m the editor of a big newspaper.”

“Well,” the chief responded. “Tonight, you will be editor-in-chief.”

Joke of the day – Elevator or lift

July 9, 2013 | Newbloggycat

An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby and pushed a button for elevator service. “The lift will be down presently,” said a nearby clerk.

“The lift?”, said the American. “Oh, you mean the elevator.”

“No, I mean the lift, replied the Englishman, annoyed by the American’s arrogance.

“I think I should know what it’s called,” said the American. “After all, elevators were invented in the United States.”

“Perhaps,” retorted the Englishman. “But the language was invented here.”

Joke of the day – The nun

July 7, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: “Now that is what I call faith!”

Joke of the day – Future mother-in-law

July 5, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A handsome young man had just become engaged and met his fiance’s mother for the first time. “How old do you think I am? she asked the lad.

“Well,” he said after a moment’s thought, “I am wondering whether to make you ten years younger to fit with your looks and figure, or ten years older on account of your wise intelligence.”

Joke of the day – The weatherman

July 2, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day a young native went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”

The next day it rained. A week later, the native went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm. “This native is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the native to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the young native didn’t show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”

The native shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said. “Radio is broken.”

Joke of the day – The pastor and taxi driver

July 1, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

“Wow, thank you”, said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the pastor. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”

“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.”

Joke of the day – The new teacher

June 30, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Joke of the day – The best dog wins

June 29, 2013 | Newbloggycat

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”