A wife buys an enormous birthday present for her husband.
He opens it and looks rather confused.
“What am I supposed to do with a rocket?”
“You wanted space,” she replies. “Now get lost.”
Tag Archives: good clean jokes
Joke of the day – The new ministry
A man opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible as the name. But he soon regretted his decision to order office supplies over the phone.
When his stationery arrived, it bore the letterhead “That Nun Should Perish.”
Joke of the day – Snail at the bar
In the process of wiping his bar one day, a bartender looks down and sees a snail. “Can I have a beer?” asks the snail. The bartender just looks at him, shrugs and flicks him off the bar.
A year later, the bartender looks down to find a snail looking at him. “What did you do that for?” it asks.
Joke of the day – Doctor, Doctor
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a sheep.
That’s baaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog.
Sit!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Oh, pull yourself together!
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge.
What’s come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a bus.
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m God.
When did this start?
After I created the sun, then the earth …
Joke of the day – Religious parrots
The priest had two parrots and taught them religiously to say the rosary. He even had two sets of rosary beads made. After a year of rigorous training he was delighted to have them perform at country fairs.
The priest was so pleased he decided to teach another parrot the rosary and bought a new parrot from the pet shop.
When he put it into the cage one of the originals said to the other. “Throw away your beads Fred, our prayers have been answered. It’s a sheila!”
Joke of the day – Golf clubs
“Tell me Charles,” she said. “If I die before you, would you still go to our golf club on weekends?”
“Oh, I suppose so, dear.”
“I guess, after a time, you would take up with another partner?”
“Oh I suppose so, dear.”
“Tell me Charles, would you let her use my clubs?”
“No dear, she’s left-handed.”
Joke of the day – We don’t need You
There’s a group of scientists who decided that humans could do without God. So one of them looked up to God and said, “We’ve decided that we no longer need You. We have enough wisdom to clone people and do many miraculous things,”
God listened patiently and then said, “Very well, let’s have a man-making contest. We’ll do it just like I did back in the old days with Adam.” The scientists agreed and one of them bent down and picked up a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, “No! You have to make your own dirt!”
Joke of the day – Two words
Teacher: “I don’t allow two words in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool.”
Johnny: “So, what are the words?”
Joke of the day – Bad news
A bachelor who for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother.
As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him. “Oh, the cat? He’s dead.” said the brother bluntly.
“I can’t believe this!” yells the bachelor. “How could you tell me he’s dead like that?” “How else was I supposed to tell you?” the brother asked.
“Well you could have broke it to me gently.” the brother went on.
“When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down.
Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don’t worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it.
And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn’t save him.” The brother thought about this and says, “That does sound better than the way I said it.”
“Never mind,” says the bachelor exasperated, “How’s mother?” The brother says “She’s on the roof but the fire department is getting her down.”
Joke of the day – Lawyer & Policeman
A lawyer drives through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. He thinks that he’s cleverer than the officer and decides to talk his way out of a fine.
“Show me your license and registration,” says the policeman.
“What for?” says the lawyer.
“I slowed down and no-one was coming.”
“You still didn’t come to a complete stop.”
“What’s the difference?”
“The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law.”
“If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,” says the lawyer, “I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go.”
“Get out of the vehicle, please sir,” says the policeman.
The lawyer gets out and the policeman starts beating the hell out of him with his truncheon. “Do you want me to stop?” asks the cop, “or just slow down?”
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