Tag Archives: humor

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Joke of the day – Computer dating service

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A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”

The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”

“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.

The results read, “Buy a television.”

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Joke of the day – The nun

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A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: “Now that is what I call faith!”

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Joke of the day – The lucky saucer

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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.” And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”

To which the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

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Joke of the day – Future mother-in-law

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A handsome young man had just become engaged and met his fiance’s mother for the first time. “How old do you think I am? she asked the lad.

“Well,” he said after a moment’s thought, “I am wondering whether to make you ten years younger to fit with your looks and figure, or ten years older on account of your wise intelligence.”

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Joke of the day – The twins

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A pregnant woman from New York was in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. Asleep for almost 6 months, she woke up one day and saw she was no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

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Joke of the day – The weatherman

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A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day a young native went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”

The next day it rained. A week later, the native went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm. “This native is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the native to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the young native didn’t show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”

The native shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said. “Radio is broken.”

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Joke of the day – The pastor and taxi driver

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A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

“Wow, thank you”, said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the pastor. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”

“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.”

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Joke of the day – The new teacher

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

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Joke of the day – The best dog wins

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

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Joke of the day – Speak up

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A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, “Dear God, please bless Mom and Dad and all the family and please give me a good night’s sleep.”

Suddenly he looked up and shouted, “And don’t forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!”

“There is no need to shout like that,” said his mother. “God isn’t deaf.”

“No,” said the little boy, “but Grandma is.”