Joke of the day – The weatherman

July 2, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day a young native went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.”

The next day it rained. A week later, the native went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm. “This native is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the native to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the young native didn’t show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?”

The native shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said. “Radio is broken.”

Joke of the day – The pastor and taxi driver

July 1, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

“Wow, thank you”, said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the pastor. “Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.”

“Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.”

Joke of the day – The new teacher

June 30, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Joke of the day – The best dog wins

June 29, 2013 | Newbloggycat

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

Joke of the day – The oldest profession

June 27, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked, “Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.”

The civil engineer interrupted and said, “But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world.”

The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”

Joke of the day – Only one wish

June 25, 2013 | Newbloggycat

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.

The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell. He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.”

They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it.”

They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”

Joke of the day – The busker

June 24, 2013 | Newbloggycat

It was three in the morning when a busker began playing his banjo outside the bedroom window of a wealthy tycoon.

Eventually the window was opened. “What do you think you are doing waking me up in the wee hours of the morning?”

“Listen, mate,” said the busker. “I don’t tell you how to run your business, so don’t tell me how to run mine!”

Joke of the day – The gorilla

June 23, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A gorilla swaggered into a waterside pub, slapped a five dollar note on the bar and asked for a beer.

It took the barman by surprise for a moment, but ever ready to make a quid he capitalised on this unusual situation, pulling the beer, scooping up the fiver and giving the gorilla 60 cents in small change.

But as the primate sipped his beer, the phenomena of a talking gorilla aroused the barman’s curiosity to the point where it could be contained no longer.

“Out for a walk, are you? he ventured.

“Yeah,” mumbled the gorilla.

“We don’t get many gorillas in here,” pressed the barman trying to make conversation.

“No wonder, at $4.40 a glass!”

Joke of the day – The flea

June 21, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A flea had spent the evening in the pub. At closing time he hopped out and landed flat on his face.

“Hei…who moved my dog,” he said.

Joke of the day – The two Jewish gentelmen

June 20, 2013 | Newbloggycat

Two Jewish gentlemen were seated together on a plane. They had been in the air for 30 minutes when the younger man asked the other if he had the time.

There was no answer. “Can you tell me the time please?”

Again there was no answer and the younger man detected some kind of deliberate resistance.

The aircraft was on its descent path when the older man quickly looked at his watch and said it was ten past three.

There was silence for a while before the young man said, “Why didn’t you tell me the time earlier?”

“Well, you know what it is like on flights. People get talking to each other. We could become friendly, especially when we are both Jewish. I would be obliged to invite you home. I have a lovely daughter and you are a young man, quite handsome. Romance could blossom and before long you could be asking for her hand in marriage. And to put it bluntly, I don’t want a son-in-law who hasn’t got a watch.”