An elderly grandmother was giving her grandson directions to her apartment.
Grandma: “I am in apartment 4012. There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 4012. I will buzz you in.
Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 4.
When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”
Grandson: “Grandma, that sounds easy. But, why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow?
Grandma: “What……You coming empty handed?”
What do you call a law student who tries to sue himself?
Self tort.
Take twelve whole months.
Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness,
hate, and jealousy.
Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into twenty-eight, thirty, or
thirty-one different parts,
but don’t make up the whole batch at once.
Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients:
Mix well into each day one part of faith,
one part of patience, one part of courage,
and one part of work.
Add to each day one part of hope,
faithfulness, generosity, and kindness.
Blend with one part prayer, one part meditation,
and one good deed.
Season the whole with a dash of good spirits,
a sprinkle of fun, a pinch of play,
and a cupful of good humor.
Pour all of this into a vessel of love.
Cook thoroughly over radiant joy,
garnish with a smile,
and serve with quietness, unselfishness,
and cheerfulness.
You’re bound to have a happy new year.
~ Author Unknown ~
I’m in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.”
I said: “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.”
My New Year Solutions, Not Resolutions
This year I want to be a monkey
Jumping from tree to tree
Next year I can be a donkey
Braying from sky to sea.
Every year I want to change
And experience something new
I wish I am something strange
Like the disappearing dew.
I want to feel the life of a lion king
Sitting inside its majestic skin
Turning into a peacock I will sing
And be a cuckoopea Siamese twin
Why can’t I be a bubble?
Blow away and disappear
Instead of getting into trouble
Making resolutions every year.
– Rangoo Srinivas
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the courtroom?
Odor in the court.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
My funny-looking dad after Christmas shopping!
When you ponder about Christmas, there are four stages in your life:-
1. You believe in Santa
2. You don’t believe in Santa
3. You are Santa
4. You look like Santa
LITTLE tree
little silent Christmas tree
you are so little
you are more like a flower
who found you in the green forest
and were you very sorry to come away?
see i will comfort you
because you smell so sweetly
i will kiss your cool bark
and hug you safe and tight
just as your mother would,
only don’t be afraid
look the spangles
that sleep all the year in a dark box
dreaming of being taken out and allowed to shine,
the balls the chains red and gold the fluffy threads,
put up your little arms
and i’ll give them all to you to hold
every finger shall have its ring
and there won’t be a single place dark or unhappy
then when you’re quite dressed
you’ll stand in the window for everyone to see
and how they’ll stare!
oh but you’ll be very proud
and my little sister and i will take hands
and looking up at our beautiful tree
we’ll dance and sing
“Noel Noel”
– E. E. Cummings (1894 – 1962)
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 