Tag Archives: funniest jokes

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Joke of the day – Beware of dog

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Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a warning sign that read: “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the door. Inside, he noticed a harmless little dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

“Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner. “Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

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Joke of the day – You’re A to K

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After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

She asked, “What does that mean?”

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”

She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

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Joke of the day – The zoo

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“Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shihtzu.”

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Joke of the day – The best dog wins

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

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Joke of the day – Love thy neighbour

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Every day a woman stood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!” And every day the atheist next door yelled back, “There’s no Lord!”

One day, she prayed “Lord, I’m hungry. Please send me some groceries.”

The next morning she found a big bag of food on her stairs. “Praise the Lord,” she shouted.

“I told you there was no Lord,” the neighbour said, “I bought those groceries.”

“Praise the Lord,” said the woman. “He not only sent me groceries, he made the devil pay for them.”

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Joke of the day – Bathtub

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Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

“Well,” the director said,“we fill a bathtub then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the bathtub.”

“I get it,”the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”

“No”, the director said.

“A normal person would simply pull the plug. I’ll go prepare your room.”

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Joke of the day – Delusion

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Wife: My husband thinks he is a refrigerator.

Psychiatrist: I wouldn’t worry as long as he is not violent.

Wife: Oh, the delusion doesn’t bother me. But when he sleeps with his mouth open, the little light keeps me awake.

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Joke of the day – Can’t get a lawyer

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Judge: How is it that you can’t get a lawyer to defend you?

Defendant: As soon as they found out I didn’t steal the million, they quit!

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Joke of the day – The Ugly Duckling

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The Ugly Duckling

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on… very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”