Joke of the day – The chauffeur

November 23, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A famous scientist was on his way to yet another lecture when his chauffeur suggested an idea. “Hey, boss,” he said. “I’ve heard your speech so many times, I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.”

“Sounds great,” the scientist said.

When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur’s hat and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.

“Yes,” said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question.

The chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment, but quickly recovered. “That’s an easy one,” he replied. “It’s so easy, I’m going to let my chauffeur answer it.”

Joke of the day – Married women vs single women

November 21, 2013 | Newbloggycat

How come married women are heavier than single women?

A single woman goes home, sees what’s in the fridge and goes to bed.
A married woman sees what’s in bed and goes to the fridge.

Joke of the day – Snake in a bar

November 19, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, ‘Sorry, buddy. I can’t serve you.’

‘Why not?’ the snake asks.

‘Because you can’t hold your liquor.’

Joke of the day – Baby camel

November 12, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom, why have I got these huge three-toe feet?” The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.” “OK,” said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?” “They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.” “Thanks Mom,” replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??” The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.”

“That’s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom…” “Yes, son?” “Why are we in San Diego zoo?”

Joke of the day – The horrific accident

November 9, 2013 | Newbloggycat

Lucy had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police officer arrived.

“My goodness!” the officer gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes, officer, I’m just fine” Lucy chirped.

“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” Lucy began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ….”

“Err, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

Joke of the day – One night in Paris

November 8, 2013 | Newbloggycat

One night in Paris, a tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.

The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.“Would monsieur care for another drink?” asked the Frenchman.

“No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don’t you send that other fellow home?”

“Well, I should,” said the Frenchman. Then, he added, “But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again.”

Joke of the day – Bus fare

November 7, 2013 | Newbloggycat

Conductor: “Full fare for the kid, he’s five.”

Mother: “How could he be five, I’ve only been married three years!”

Conductor: “Look lady, I take fares not confessions.”

Joke of the day – Duck hunter

November 4, 2013 | Newbloggycat

First hunter: How do you know you hit that duck?

Second hunter: Because I shot him in the foot and in the head at the same time.

First hunter: How could you possibly hit him in the foot and head at the same time?

Second hunter: He was scratching his head.

Joke of the day – Paint job

November 2, 2013 | Newbloggycat

Anxious to get the porch painted, Julie urged her husband to allow the man that knocked on the door looking for handiwork to do the job. The man happily agreed to paint it for $50. They were thrilled at their good luck of getting the wide porch painted for a measly $50.

Minutes later there was a knock at the door. “All done” he said. “Already?” they both said at once. “Yeah, and by the way, it’s a Lexus not a Porsche”.