A group of tourists were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals.
“Oh, yes!” the chief of the tribe exclaimed.
“We’re going to put all of you into big pots of water, cook you and eat you!”
“You can’t do that to me,” a member of the tour said, “I’m the editor of a big newspaper.”
“Well,” the chief responded. “Tonight, you will be editor-in-chief.”
“There are three types of lies — lies, damn lies, and statistics.” ― Benjamin Disraeli
An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby and pushed a button for elevator service. “The lift will be down presently,” said a nearby clerk.
“The lift?”, said the American. “Oh, you mean the elevator.”
“No, I mean the lift, replied the Englishman, annoyed by the American’s arrogance.
“I think I should know what it’s called,” said the American. “After all, elevators were invented in the United States.”
“Perhaps,” retorted the Englishman. “But the language was invented here.”
“Never too old, never too bad, never too late, never too sick to start from scratch once again.” – Bikram Choudhury.
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”
The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”
“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, “Buy a television.”
“If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves.” – Maria Edgeworth
A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: “Now that is what I call faith!”
… find hope in a dog’s eyes.
“Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words.” – Mark Twain
…a group hug!
