“When I went to Starbucks for coffee they lied. It wasn’t Starbucks, it was four bucks!”
Tag Archives: free jokes
Joke of the day – Personal Ad
The following personal ad evidently received numerous enthusiastic responses:
SINGLE BLONDE FEMALE
Looking for a willing partner, any sex or ethnicity. I’m a gorgeous, fun-loving girl who lives to play and make you happy. Let’s go for a romp in the woods or a picnic in the park. Let’s cruise in your convertible with the top down and then go skinny-dipping. I love the outdoors in any weather, and winter nights cuddled up on the sofa. Good food is a total turn on. Stroke me and see how I respond. I’ll be waiting whenever you come home, with nothing but bells on.
Call 555-6633 and ask for Pixie.
Callers found themselves talking to the local animal shelter about a golden retriever puppy.
Joke of the day – Lesson on whales
A teacher asked her class what they knew about whales. One little girl spoke up and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher smiled and said she didnโt think that was very likely, because even though whales can be big, their throats are not big enough to swallow a man. But the little girl was adamant, and maintained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher was getting impatient, and reiterated that this was physically unlikely. But the girl was unmoved, and said that when she got to heaven, she would ask Jonah.
โBut what if Jonah went to hell?โ the teacher asked.
The girl replied, โThen you ask him.โ
Jokes of the day – Bulldog
The mother was furious. โSam!โ โ she yelled. โWhy are you making such awful faces at your bulldog?โ
โWell, Mom, he started it!โ
Jokes of the day – Relatives
Wife โ You hate my relatives!
Husband โ No, I donโt! In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine.
Joke of the day – One kiss per yard
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
Joke of the day – Pick three hymns
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he’d like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him, him, and him.”
Joke of the day – The two hunters
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something … but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!” “Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.
Joke of the day – Free drinks
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, โWhatโll you have?โ The guy answers, โA scotch, please.โ
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, โThatโll be five dollars,โ to which the guy replies, โWhat are you talking about? I donโt owe you anything for this.โ
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, โYou know, heโs got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.โ
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, โOkay, you beat me for a drink. But donโt ever let me catch you in here again.โ
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, โWhat the heck are you doing in here? I canโt believe youโve got the audacity to come back!โ
The guy says, โWhat are you talking about? Iโve never been in this place in my life!โ The bartender replies, โIโm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.โ
To which the guy replies, โThank you. Make it a scotch.โ.
Joke of the day – Just two words
A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn’t speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.
One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say “My Princess”.
The next year he saw her he wanted to say “My princess, i love you”.
The third year he saw her, he wanted to say “My princess I love you, will you marry me?” But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.
So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.
He approached her respectfully and asked, “JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
And the princess said, “Pardon?”
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