Note from an actual church bulletin:
Don’t let worry kill you.
Let the Church help.
The town’s richest man met with the minister after the Sunday service. “Why does everyone call me cheap and stingy?” complained the man. “I’ve told everyone I’m leaving half my money to the church when I die.”
The minister nodded. “It reminds me of the story about the pig and cow. The cow was much loved by the farmer and his neighbours, while the pig was not popular at all. The pig could not understand this and asked the cow about it.”
“How come you are so well-like cow? People say you’re generous and good because you give milk and butter and cream every day. But I give more than that. From me they get bacon and ham; they even pickle my feet. Yet I’m not popular and you are. “Why do you think that is?”
The cow replied, “Perhaps it’s because I give while I’m still alive.”
The most effective way to turn people’s heads is to go to church late.
An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, “WHY?” The wife replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.
She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1.”
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”