A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.
Again, they all answered, “NO!”
She was just bursting with pride for them. “Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”
“I love you when you bow in your mosque, kneel in your temple, pray in your church. For you and I are sons of one religion, and it is the spirit.”
“Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”
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A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
Pastor: “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
Parishioner: “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor: “How come I don’t see you except at Easter and Christmas?”
Parishioner : “I’m in the secret service.”
“If all else fails, go to the highest heel.”
Note from an actual church bulletin:
Don’t let worry kill you.
Let the Church help.
The town’s richest man met with the minister after the Sunday service. “Why does everyone call me cheap and stingy?” complained the man. “I’ve told everyone I’m leaving half my money to the church when I die.”
The minister nodded. “It reminds me of the story about the pig and cow. The cow was much loved by the farmer and his neighbours, while the pig was not popular at all. The pig could not understand this and asked the cow about it.”
“How come you are so well-like cow? People say you’re generous and good because you give milk and butter and cream every day. But I give more than that. From me they get bacon and ham; they even pickle my feet. Yet I’m not popular and you are. “Why do you think that is?”
The cow replied, “Perhaps it’s because I give while I’m still alive.”
“Where is the church at 11:25 on Monday morning? The church then is in the dentist’s office, in the car sales room and repair shop, and out in the truck. It is in the hospital, in the classroom and in the home. It is in the offices, insurance, law, real estate, whatever it is. That is where the church is, wherever God’s people are. They are doing what they ought to be doing. They are honouring God, not just while they worship in a building but out there.”
– Arthur H. Dekruyter