“And this over here” croaked the 90 year old museum tour guide, “is a fossil 4 million and 69 years old, on it’s left you can see another fossil that’s 2 million and 69 years old.”
“Wow! That’s really fascinating,” said a fellow in the audience, “how can you age it so accurately to the year?”
“Well that’s simple” answered the old chap, “It was two million years old when I started working here 69 years ago.”
Mrs Smith: What does your husband do for a hobby?
Mrs Jones: He’s a do-it-yourself taxidermist.
Mrs Smith: A do-it-yourself taxidermist?
Mrs Jones: Yes, every night at dinner he stuffs himself.
People say that laughter is the best medicine…my face must be curing the world!
Don’t be surprised if your next income tax form is simplified to contain only 4 lines:
1. What was your income last year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much do you have left?
4. Send it in.
If you think no evil, see no evil and hear no evil, chances are you’ll never write a bestselling novel.
Junk is something you keep ten years and then throw away two weeks before you need it.
Lady: Pastor, I must confess that I just can’t resist the temptation to sit in front of my mirror two to three hours every day admiring my beauty. I think I need to confess this sin of pride.
Pastor (after looking at the lady): Well, it’s not the sin of pride you need to confess. It is the sin of imagination.
1st Soldier: What did you do in the Army?
2nd Soldier: I was an eye doctor. My job was to cut the eyes out of potatoes.
Lucy: Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they admire it?
Mimi: Better than that, four of them recognized it.
Speaker: This is terrible! I’m the speaker at this banquet and I forgot my false teeth!
Man: I happen to have an extra pair; try these.
Speaker: Too small!
Man: Well, try this pair.
Speaker: Too big!
Man: I have one pair left.
Speaker: These fit just fine. It sure is lucky to sit next to a dentist!
Man: I’m not the dentist. I’m an undertaker.
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 