Bernie: “I’ve invented something that will allow people to see through walls.”
Fred: “That’s awesome! What do you call it?”
Bernie: “A window.”
Tag Archives: short clean jokes
Joke of the day – Saying grace
A couple invited some co-workers to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
“Would you like to say grace?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say”, the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mom say”, the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
Joke of the day – Theater ticket
On a visit to the local theater, an elderly man asked for the admission prices.
“Balcony seats are $15 each, circle seats are $10 each, stalls are $5 each and the programs are 50 cents, sir,” replied the lady behind the ticket counter.
“Right,” said the elderly man. “Give me a program and I’ll sit on it.”
Joke of the day – Simple math
Teacher: “If I laid two eggs on the chair and three eggs on the table, what do I get?”
Pupil: Your picture in “Believe It or Not!”
Joke of the day – The Italian woman
My friend was stocking the shelves in a shop where he worked when a woman with a distinctive Italian accent asked him, “Please, sir. Where can I find a water go spaghetti stop?”
Puzzled, my friend paid close attention as she repeated her request, this time adding hand gestures. Then it dawned on him what she wanted. He led her to another aisle and found a “water go, spaghetti stop” – a colander.
Joke of the day – The part-time helper
I hired a part-time helper last year but she wasn’t doing a great job. So, one day I called her into the study and told that I was sorry but I have to let her go. I tipped her an extra $20 and thanked her for her services. As she was leaving she threw a $10 bill to our dog, Bobby. I asked her, “What was that for?” She replied, “Can’t forget my helper! Bobby has a great tongue, and always help me do the dishes!!!”
Joke of the day – The professional photographer
As a professional photographer, Julie takes a lot of pride in her pictures. Wherever she goes, she brings her pictures with her, to show off her work.
”Wow”, said her host Samantha,”these are really nice pictures, you must have a great camera.”
Fuming mad at the implication that her whole talent came from her camera, Julie waited until the end of the meal. She then thanked her host, “Thank you, the meal was delicious.” And as if an afterthought added, “you must have great pots.”
Short jokes
Definition of a true music lover:
“A man who, if he hears a woman singing in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole.”
Two flies were playing soccer in a saucer. “I hope our game improves soon,” said one. “Why?” asked the other. “Because we’re playing in the cup next week.” replied the fly.
Some tortoises were playing a game of poker and ran out of beer, so they sent one of their group
Short funny jokes
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”, suggested the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.” ~ L. B.Weinstein
A man while walking in a graveyard hears the Third Symphony being played backwards. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backwards, and then the First. “What’s going on?”, he asks a cemetery worker. “It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.” ~ Jeremy Hone
Every ten years, monks in a monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” says the head monk. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.” ~ Alan Lynch
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