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Joke of the day – False teeth

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Speaker: This is terrible! I’m the speaker at this banquet and I forgot my false teeth!

Man: I happen to have an extra pair; try these.

Speaker: Too small!

Man: Well, try this pair.

Speaker: Too big!

Man: I have one pair left.

Speaker: These fit just fine. It sure is lucky to sit next to a dentist!

Man: I’m not the dentist. I’m an undertaker.

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Joke of the day – The clever dachshund

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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

“Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

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Joke of the day – Dinner

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

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Joke of the day – Barnyard artist

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Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?

Vincent van Goat! or Pablo Pigcaso!

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Joke of the day – Medical checkup

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An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an old crone, entered the doctor’s office. “We have come for an examination,” said the young girl.

“Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.”

“No, not me,” said the girl. “It’s my old aunt here.”

“Very well… Madam, put your tongue out.”

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Joke of the day – Parachute

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Instructor: Pull this cord and your parachute will open.

Student: What if my parachute does not open?

Instructor: That, my friend, is known as jumping to a conclusion!

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Joke of the day – Stay in shape

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I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it?

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Joke of the day – Application form

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“Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?”

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Joke of the day – Perfect timing

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Perfect timing is the ability to turn off the ‘hot’ and ‘cold’ shower faucets at the same time.

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Joke of the day – Laughing stock

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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

― Steven Wright.