One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don’t love me any more…”
“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”
When I saw a little girl pushing a doll in a toy stroller, I smiled and asked “Is that your baby?”
“No, it’s a doll,” she replied. Then she added confidentially,“They’re a lot less trouble.”
A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
“Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
“Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”
“I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first one.”
A little boy wanted 100 dollars badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, they decided to send it to the President
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a 10 dollar bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the money and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:
Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, and as usual, those jerks deducted 90%. Love, Tommy
A group of tourists were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals.
“Oh, yes!” the chief of the tribe exclaimed.
“We’re going to put all of you into big pots of water, cook you and eat you!”
“You can’t do that to me,” a member of the tour said, “I’m the editor of a big newspaper.”
“Well,” the chief responded. “Tonight, you will be editor-in-chief.”
An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby and pushed a button for elevator service. “The lift will be down presently,” said a nearby clerk.
“The lift?”, said the American. “Oh, you mean the elevator.”
“No, I mean the lift, replied the Englishman, annoyed by the American’s arrogance.
“I think I should know what it’s called,” said the American. “After all, elevators were invented in the United States.”
“Perhaps,” retorted the Englishman. “But the language was invented here.”
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”
The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”
“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, “Buy a television.”
A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: “Now that is what I call faith!”
A handsome young man had just become engaged and met his fiance’s mother for the first time. “How old do you think I am? she asked the lad.
“Well,” he said after a moment’s thought, “I am wondering whether to make you ten years younger to fit with your looks and figure, or ten years older on account of your wise intelligence.”
New Bloggy Cat [NBC] 