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Joke of the day – Job interview

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A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.” The second was a social worker. She said, “I don’t know the answer but I’m glad we had time to discuss this important question.” The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?” The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?” He got the job.

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Joke of the day – Dentist

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A sign posted in a Dentist’s office said:

“Please be nice to our dentists. They have fillings too.”

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Joke of the day – The prisoner

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A prisoner escaped by digging a hole from the jail cell to the outside world. When his work was finally done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. “I’m free, I’m free!” he shouted.

“So what,” said a little girl. “I’m four.”

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Joke of the day – A reward

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An elderly lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $100 bill in it. Now there are 100, $1 bills.” The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

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Joke of the day – The artist

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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.

“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”

“What did you say?” questioned the artist.

“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman was your doctor.”

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Joke of the day – Luck

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Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2014, please?

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Joke of the day – Cat’s Resolutions

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5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in and vice versa.

4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.

3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I’m in a bad mood)

2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)

and the Number One New Year’s Resolution for 2014 is…

1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

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Joke of the day – Buffet dinner

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Gilbert grabbed his plate and walked up to the buffet for the 5th time.

“Aren’t you embarrassed to go for so many helpings?” asked the wife.

“Not a bit,” Gilbert replied, “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

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Joke of the day – Lobster

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Diner: You call this creamed lobster your special? I can find neither cream or lobster in it.

Waiter: Yes sir. That’s what makes it special.

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Joke of the day – Dogs rules for Christmas

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1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

a. Don’t pee on the tree.

b. Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree.

c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree.

d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open.

e. Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:

a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans.

b. Don’t eat off the buffet table.

c. Beg for goodies subtly.

d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa.

e. Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

a.Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. (4a is particularly important)

b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house.

c. Tolerate children.

d. Turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON’T BITE HIM!!