Joke of the day – The chauffeur

November 23, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A famous scientist was on his way to yet another lecture when his chauffeur suggested an idea. “Hey, boss,” he said. “I’ve heard your speech so many times, I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.”

“Sounds great,” the scientist said.

When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur’s hat and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.

“Yes,” said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question.

The chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment, but quickly recovered. “That’s an easy one,” he replied. “It’s so easy, I’m going to let my chauffeur answer it.”

Quote of the day – Mark Twain

November 22, 2013 | Newbloggycat

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sail. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

– Mark Twain

Joke of the day – Married women vs single women

November 21, 2013 | Newbloggycat

How come married women are heavier than single women?

A single woman goes home, sees what’s in the fridge and goes to bed.
A married woman sees what’s in bed and goes to the fridge.

Quote of the day – Alice Thomas Ellis

November 20, 2013 | Newbloggycat

“There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.”

– Alice Thomas Ellis

Joke of the day – Snake in a bar

November 19, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, ‘Sorry, buddy. I can’t serve you.’

‘Why not?’ the snake asks.

‘Because you can’t hold your liquor.’

Joke of the day – Politicians & diapers

November 14, 2013 | Newbloggycat

“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.”

Quote of the day – Dr. Seuss

November 13, 2013 | Newbloggycat

“Be awesome! Be a book nut!”

– Dr. Seuss

Joke of the day – Baby camel

November 12, 2013 | Newbloggycat

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom, why have I got these huge three-toe feet?” The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.” “OK,” said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?” “They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.” “Thanks Mom,” replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??” The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.”

“That’s great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom…” “Yes, son?” “Why are we in San Diego zoo?”

Joke of the day – The horrific accident

November 9, 2013 | Newbloggycat

Lucy had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police officer arrived.

“My goodness!” the officer gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes, officer, I’m just fine” Lucy chirped.

“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” Lucy began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ….”

“Err, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

Joke of the day – One night in Paris

November 8, 2013 | Newbloggycat

One night in Paris, a tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.

The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.“Would monsieur care for another drink?” asked the Frenchman.

“No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don’t you send that other fellow home?”

“Well, I should,” said the Frenchman. Then, he added, “But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again.”